Damaged Swimmers

So, Mrs. Rockstar wrote a post that began with me getting the "big v". To a testosterone charged Rockstar, that is just unthinkable. Frankly I am shriveling up with fear even as I speak about it. I have cotton mouth and honestly just wiped a little sweat from my brow.

However, this cruel post did get me thinking about a funny story I heard from a friend of the family. Of course names and situations have been altered to protect the victims among us, but I will now frame the story for you. A good friend of ours was getting checked for shortness of breath. This friend has had heart issues in the past, so the shortness of breath was fairly concerning. Concerning enough that this friend "Bob" ended up having to get a stress test.

For those of you who are unstressed, a stress test involves jumping up on a treadmill and running until you almost kill yourself in order to make sure that you are not killing yourself. Without further introduction, here is what happened after Bob's successful stress test in his words:


"So, on the way down the hospital elevator I was feeling pretty good about hearing [the nurse] say I had done better than they expected. While in the elevator, my cell phone in my pants pocket rang and I took it out to see who was calling. I passed on taking the call with others in the elevator, and I did not think it was permitted in the hospital, anyway. As I put the phone back in my pants pocket, the doctor standing next to me smiled and said: " I just read this morning that men who carry their cell phone in their front pants pocket are prone to have damaged semen." So there you have it. I was just trying to feel better about my cardiac numbers, and now I have damaged semen. Some days it is hard to get ahead."

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Goodbye Mets, Goodbye

Today my beloved New York Mets let out a stank so bad, it could only be passed by my two year old's diapers. Today they closed their season in losing fashion. Ladies and gentlemen, today I am thinking about finding a new team to root for. I have rooted for no other team since 1986, when I was an eleven year ballplayer on the Mets Little League team. That year they won it all. I was sucked up into their world and now they have violently chewed me up and spit me out.

I need a hug.

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Boys

I think I am going to blog about more kid related things going on in my life. Specifically as of today, boy related things. You know, I always tell people (when they are crazy enough to seek me of all people out on child rearing advice) the girls in your life are going to mentally drain you. They are going to take you to task and let you know when your opinion is not wanted or not correct. Boys on the other hand usually come mental headache free, but man do we have absolutely no common sense.

I was speaking to my ac repairman about this, and he mentioned that he jumped out his second floor window because there was snow covering the driveway below and he thought it would break his fall. My brother-in-law decided to take his two story leap from a beachhouse ... probably thought the sand would break his fall. My second floor jump came not intentionally, but rather because I thought I could climb a ladder balanced on one side only, with the footing nowhere close to level. I would have had better luck proping it against the side of a mountain. Stupid.

McWilliam (of nude swimming fame) had a bloody toe .... why? Because he wore flip flops instead of sneakers outside to play soccer ... not smart. Mikey? He taunted his sister in the car. How did that end up for him? I think she shot laser beams out of her eyes at him right before she dropped a right hook on him. Did I mention that his favorite to taunt happens to be the one with the big time temper? Not a wise choice.

Both McWilliam and Mikey have touched Man of War, paralyzing their hands for some time. One of them rubbed the juice from a poisonous toad in his eyes and went blind for over an hour. Good times.

When it comes to common sense however, no one can touch son #3 in my house. J-man I am positive is trying to set some record for cluelessness. He does it with such effortless ease, I find myself impressed at his inability to get over his mental mistakes instead chosing the path that leads to destruction, repeating mistakes over and over again. How many reminders does this boy need not to keep pushing all his food off the edge of his high chair. Why must he stick his fingers in light sockets over and over? Why does he drool just to irritate me? You can not jump off a bed to Daddy when both of his hands are full.

Boys are amazing creatures .... and for all my female readers out there ... I will let you in on a little hint ... I am realistic. You are the smarter sex. I am one dude not afraid to admit it. Although I am also one dude not afraid to cry at "The Notebook" or wear pink ... So I guess I am not much of a dude after all. I better go blow something up now to reclaim my manhood.

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Just Say No

I have been meaning to put this up for some time. This video kills me everytime I see it. Maybe it is because it is simple and I am a simpleton. That is probably it. Anyways enjoy, and if you are coming over from Mrs. Rockstar's site ... she was initially directing you to the post below this one although between you and me ... they are both fantastic. I would know because I am totally into myself

Rock On

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Swimming In The Nude

I have decided that politics, like a stinky shoe, will start to make my blog smell if I do not discuss other items. So I would like to discuss the genius that is my boy, McWilliam. McWilliam definitely comes from the deep end of the Rockstar gene pool. He is everything I hope he can be and more. He is the ying to my yang, the poop to my joke, the wind beneath my wings.

I am particularly proud that recently my son decided to get a little more serious about his faith. He decided to fast. Now I could tell you that he decided to do this in order to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal his true spiritual condition, or that he was excited about transforming his prayer life into a more personal experience or that he wanted to gain a deeper understanding and experience a closeness with God like he has never experienced.

The fact of the matter is this. McWilliam declared that he would be fasting because his older sister Rosie was. Now Rosie was fasting for all of the right reasons and actually happened to be fasting something close to my heart (so close it is clogging it), CANDY. Rose was so diligent that 15 days in and she had not broken her fast in the slightest.

Sitting around the dining room table McWilliam became emboldened. Wanting to make a splash, and understanding that giving up candy would be to painful, he decided to boldly go where no faster has gone before him. He decided once and for all that there was something he was willing to give up to further humanity and I quote "The next time we go to the pool or go swimming somewhere, I am going to fast my bathing suit".

I tried to explain to him that showing up at the community pool buck naked was probably not the best of ideas but that I admired his gusto. I tried to explain that a more sensible choice might be to go "smokeless" as we like to call it at church for a month or maybe moon the neighbors every night at 7:30 ... you know something a little less dramatic than showing up at the community pool, announcing to all that you are a follower of Jesus Christ and then dropping your swim pants.

My Son. My Hero.

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Somethings Need Not Be Said

Every once in a while a picture is worth a thousand words. What 1,000 words come to mind actually depends on what your personal beliefs and positions are, but man is the fact that this even out there is ridiculous ... that in fact is my first of 1,000 words ... "ridiculous".... the next nine words are "my childhood he-man action figure has the same legs".

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Equal Opportunity

Wow ... all that live bloggin' was affecting my noggin' last night. I can barely keep up with it all. After blogging live about the right, I noticed that the left has some issues too. Seems like everybody views Obama in one of three ways.

I am a rockstar, not a political commentator, so I will leave you to decide which of these three choices best represents your feelings. I stole all these pictures from I don't even know where, so I can not take credit, but I sure wish I could. Without any more commentary ... here are your choices

Option A



Option B



Option C



Personally ... and I know you care what I think ... I am the envy of millions, when I think democrat ... the following image is what pops into my mind:

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LIVE! From the Republican Convention

I am sitting here next to Katie Couric exchanging recipies and listening partially to what is going on at the republican convention. I am going to blog live for you ...


9 something: Rudy says Obama is stinky and inept
9 almost 10 something: Rudy still calling Obama names
10 something: Sarah calls Obama a ninny
11:03 Sarah says something about Obama stinking, Katie shares deviled egg recipe
11:05 Sarah mentions fear, pain, squalor
11:06ish McCain is honorable, wise ... God and evil mentioned ... separately of course
11:08 Sarah releases the Republican clowns from the special vehicle. WOW ... at least 20 clowns pile out of a yugo
11:10 McCain restores order ... video pan of weird woman dressed in elephant garb
11:12 Liberal media begins weeping, gnashing teeth
11:14 Terrified and exhausted ... I am feeling the need to go to bed. This live blogging stuff is tough ... especially those 3 entries between 9 and 11 ... my hand is cramping

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Seriously

I mean .. to be honest I can see the humor in a lot of things ... but seriously ... any of you been out to the hurricane center lately? This is ridiculous. As a super hip rockstar I do not want to give out my top secret location ... but let's just say I am in the hurricane beltway. Why do I live here again?

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