Dis or Dat

>> Friday, March 13, 2009

Some of you might recognize the dude on the left. It is the legendary country musician Garth Brooks. The man had a bunch of hits in the 90's kind of like Michael Jackson in the 80's only he has always been the same skin tone .... anywhoo ... you may not recognize the guy on the right. That is Chris Gaines. Chris Gaines is famous for well.... for Garth Brooks going off the deep end and trying to reinvent himself as something he is not. Cool. Hip. Good Looking.

Now I am actually all of those things, so it made me wonder ... unlike Barf Brooks, could I actually pull off a new look? Could I actually change my whole vibe? ... trade in tatoos and leather pants for something else ...

I know you are all dying to see who I really am ... you know on the inside ... where it really counts.

Who is Brian?

Is he really a Rockstar or is he someone else?



>> Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I don't know if any of you have a time in your past that you look upon with great fondness. Such a fondness that when you die and are lit on fire and become ashes, a place in your past, in time, where you wish you could ship those ashes because you know they would be happy there. I grew up on a camp. My father ran a christian camp from age 2 (my age not his) to 16 and then I continued to work there until I tricked my wife into thinking I was cool.

If I could send my burned up body's remains anywhere in time, I think I would like to send them back to camp, circa anytime between the late 80's and 1993. I think this pic comes from 91 or 92 ...

Yep, that's the rockstar standing on top of something, sticking his butt in the face of the other dude who is giving anyone who looks at this picture the 'ole stinkeye.

There is the kid who I wrestled with and accidentally broke a bone in his foot and then we lied about it (for no real reason) to our elders to not get us in trouble.

The one with the motorcycle from England who thought it would be fun to bungie jump so he tried it for the first time cheap in some contest and ended up on espn representing his country in some extreme sports show (can't make that up)

There is the other kid I ran over with a tractor, and if not for my quick reaction after an awful decision, was one turn of a massive tire from having his head squished like a grape

The guy with the blue hair named "Goo" ('nuff said)

The kid who's sister I scrubbed pots with for what seemed like an eternity in hell everytime a big retreat group rolled into town.

The boy with the red, white, and blue braces who was sailing a boat next to my sailboat that one time I lost my mind and jumped on his mast from my boat mid sail and "turtled" his boat (with the help of a counselor accomplice) ...

My racist guatemalan friend with whom I would always fake fierce racist arguements with until those pesky elders caught us at it, thought we were really both racist, and had to "talk" to us about loving all kinds of people while we literally cried tears of laughter on the inside. I almost drowned from the inside out that day.

Yep. Light me on fire, grind down my bones and ship me back to 92. Then build a fire up by that cross (you know who you are who know what I am saying) throw me on top and watch me burn again.

Now that's living.


Rainbows and Unicorns

>> Thursday, March 5, 2009

Rainbows and Unicorns is one of, if not my favorite saying. I use it when things happen .... like a kid poops in the car ..."Life is all rainbows and unicorns". In a hideous airbrush/screenprint sort of way the phrase gives me peace.

However, that is not my life these days, and no matter how many times I click my heels together and try to think happy thoughts .... everytime I close my eyes, my rainbows and unicorns turn into this in my head:

And for those of you who are kind enough to be encouragers in life .... no this guy did not make it. No rainbows and unicorn ending for him.


I Am Scared For My Life

>> Sunday, March 1, 2009

What do you do when you are scared? I am crying like a baby right now. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty, my mouth is dry. What is causing this madness?? Snow. Seriously. Snow.

Now I may seem like a fearless rockstar, but boy does the white stuff scare the jeepers* out of me. Apparently here in the south I am not alone. Other people also fear for their lives. The snow is almost up to the top of my front door ... you know if my door was accidentally installed upside down.

Thankfully my local news is here to rescue me! They are giving out free advice tonight on what to do. Thank God for them, because without them I might end up frostbit or getting my seat stuck to the ... uh .... seat of our community outhouse!

In fact their advice was so smart, I figured I would share it with you while it is still fresh in my mind -

Stay off the road unless you absolutely have to be out! (Four inches of snow are way too much for most cars to handle)

Make sure you have a full tank of gas (Why? They tell us not to go anywhere)

Wear Layers Outdoors (32 degrees is enough to kill you almost instantly if you are used to 70 degree weather on a fairly consistent basis)

Wear hats and gloves (not obvious to most of us ... great advice)

Cover bare skin (see two above comments)

Watch out for polar bears in trees (OK I made that one up)

and lastly wear lighter clothes indoors (I screwed this one up ... I thought protocol was to get buck nekid in the middle of a snow storm if you are indoors! Thank you local news for setting me straight!)

Local news ... I appreciate your cool, calm collective approach to such a scary issue! This is SO much more dangerous than the threatening hurricanes or that tornado we got to experience up close and personal that one time that will remain nameless.

*Disclaimer - I actually have lived in places that got double digit feet in snowfall annually, two of my children are from Siberia, and I have ice in my veins.


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