When Red Ants Attack

I have been reading a lot of embarrassing stories on other blogs as of late. I have been trying to think about where I should start because I am convinced I have more embarrassing moments in my life than most other people.

Most of my embarrassing moments are school related. I once ended up naked in my English class (long story), a math teacher of mine actually erased a blackboard with my head, I was pulled out of another class by my ears by one of my less-than-thrilled-with-me teachers, and I faked a seizure in government class that was so well done, that my student teacher did not show back up at work for a week (it was april fools and her jokes were dumb is how I explained it to the principal).

I can explore many of these and other idiot moments of my youth, but the event I really wanted to delve into today happened in my not so distant past.

Around two and a half years ago, after recently moving to our current top secret location, my kindergartner (at the time) had a girl she just raved about that she had met and enjoyed playing with. A couple weeks later, Mrs. Rockstar and I bumped into a couple we enjoyed speaking with only to find that they happened to be the parents of said little girl. Coincidence? Or master plan? Not really sure, but what I do know is we decided to meet at a local park over the weekend to let their girls and our kids play.

We showed up as planned and were having a good afternoon getting to know our friends and watching our kids all have good wholesome fun together. Then it happened. Red ants attacked. Or maybe they were fire ants ... I am not really sure what the difference is, other than they are both aggressive breeds. Anyways I got bit once ... on the foot.


Now, I had been bitten by ants before... many times. Honestly ... I sat on a red ant pile when I was younger ... you know that phrase "It is like you have ants in your pants"? I can honestly say that phrase is crap unless your child comes screaming bloody murder across the park holding their junk while trying to strip buck naked swatting at their rear with their other hand. That is what "ants in the pants" is really like, but I digress.

So back to the story. Apparently this stupid 6 legged (or is it eight?) creature hit a vein or something and before you knew it I felt pretty weird ... I began itching all over my foot, so I went and put my feet in the river thinking "That was a rather severe ant bite."

Next thing you know I start itching around my neck ... then under my arms. My eyes started feeling squinty. I stumbled across the park like a grizzly bear roaring, screaming to anyone within shouting distance pleading for allergy medicine if they had any. Honestly I had never had an attack in my life ... all I could remember was the movie Hitch where Will Smith blows up like a puffer fish, and I felt like that is what was happening to me ... That was the last logical thought of the afternoon for me.


As luck would have it, some terrified mother threw 4 children chewable Benedryl at me. By this point every part of me that had a little moisture was itching FIERCELY. In fact, I had one part itching so fiercely that as I left the woman and her easily accessible drugs in the dust, chewing the Benedryl she gave me in fear, I knew where I had to go next.

I started swearing ... I mean stumbling towards the bathroom at the park. Why? Because that spot that itched so bad was not one I wanted to itch in public. I flung the door open to the park bathroom and began itching my downstairs area ferociously, convinced that I was going to die in a park bathroom with my body falling limp in a urinal or something ... at that point my eyes started swelling shut and I looked in the mirror and I was so red, I do not have a good picture to show you that comes even close to how red I was except for this one:



Not wanting to die in a urinal I made one last gasp and struggled out of the bathroom and over to a small park "office". Still itching, but now in pubic .. I mean public, and looking like a lobster I burst in asking someone, anyone to save me. Somewhere in my own induced melee I lost my glasses ... never to be recovered and was now more frantic then ever!

From that point until the men in suits came to pick me up I am not sure what all happened.

As they were loading me into the ambulance with my 7 (at the time) children crying all around me, I noticed that our new friends were also standing beside the ambulance. As the technicians were loading me in looking like a lobster swollen from head to foot and slurring words, I blurted out something like "This has been really lovely, we should do this again sometime."

That ladies and gentlemen was my introduction to anaphylactic shock ... which if you are unfamiliar is as scary as it sounds. I now carry a needle that I can jab into my leg on a moment's notice for my own protection and Mrs. Rockstar can tell you what I was like after they shot me full of steroids to help me breathe.

The moral of the story is this ... if you have kids that like to do things like lick jelly fish or a husband full of drama like myself .... ALWAYS carry liquid benedryl with you. The technicians who loaded me into the ambulance said the chewables I took were probably the only reason my airway did not fully restrict.

Oh yeah and if you can help it, itch your junk only in the privacy of your own home ..