Dis or Dat

Some of you might recognize the dude on the left. It is the legendary country musician Garth Brooks. The man had a bunch of hits in the 90's kind of like Michael Jackson in the 80's only he has always been the same skin tone .... anywhoo ... you may not recognize the guy on the right. That is Chris Gaines. Chris Gaines is famous for well.... for Garth Brooks going off the deep end and trying to reinvent himself as something he is not. Cool. Hip. Good Looking.

Now I am actually all of those things, so it made me wonder ... unlike Barf Brooks, could I actually pull off a new look? Could I actually change my whole vibe? ... trade in tatoos and leather pants for something else ...

I know you are all dying to see who I really am ... you know on the inside ... where it really counts.

Who is Brian?

Is he really a Rockstar or is he someone else?

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Camp

I don't know if any of you have a time in your past that you look upon with great fondness. Such a fondness that when you die and are lit on fire and become ashes, a place in your past, in time, where you wish you could ship those ashes because you know they would be happy there. I grew up on a camp. My father ran a christian camp from age 2 (my age not his) to 16 and then I continued to work there until I tricked my wife into thinking I was cool.

If I could send my burned up body's remains anywhere in time, I think I would like to send them back to camp, circa anytime between the late 80's and 1993. I think this pic comes from 91 or 92 ...


Yep, that's the rockstar standing on top of something, sticking his butt in the face of the other dude who is giving anyone who looks at this picture the 'ole stinkeye.

There is the kid who I wrestled with and accidentally broke a bone in his foot and then we lied about it (for no real reason) to our elders to not get us in trouble.

The one with the motorcycle from England who thought it would be fun to bungie jump so he tried it for the first time cheap in some contest and ended up on espn representing his country in some extreme sports show (can't make that up)

There is the other kid I ran over with a tractor, and if not for my quick reaction after an awful decision, was one turn of a massive tire from having his head squished like a grape

The guy with the blue hair named "Goo" ('nuff said)

The kid who's sister I scrubbed pots with for what seemed like an eternity in hell everytime a big retreat group rolled into town.

The boy with the red, white, and blue braces who was sailing a boat next to my sailboat that one time I lost my mind and jumped on his mast from my boat mid sail and "turtled" his boat (with the help of a counselor accomplice) ...

My racist guatemalan friend with whom I would always fake fierce racist arguements with until those pesky elders caught us at it, thought we were really both racist, and had to "talk" to us about loving all kinds of people while we literally cried tears of laughter on the inside. I almost drowned from the inside out that day.

Yep. Light me on fire, grind down my bones and ship me back to 92. Then build a fire up by that cross (you know who you are who know what I am saying) throw me on top and watch me burn again.

Now that's living.

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Rainbows and Unicorns

Rainbows and Unicorns is one of, if not my favorite saying. I use it when things happen .... like a kid poops in the car ..."Life is all rainbows and unicorns". In a hideous airbrush/screenprint sort of way the phrase gives me peace.

However, that is not my life these days, and no matter how many times I click my heels together and try to think happy thoughts .... everytime I close my eyes, my rainbows and unicorns turn into this in my head:

And for those of you who are kind enough to be encouragers in life .... no this guy did not make it. No rainbows and unicorn ending for him.

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I Am Scared For My Life

What do you do when you are scared? I am crying like a baby right now. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty, my mouth is dry. What is causing this madness?? Snow. Seriously. Snow.

Now I may seem like a fearless rockstar, but boy does the white stuff scare the jeepers* out of me. Apparently here in the south I am not alone. Other people also fear for their lives. The snow is almost up to the top of my front door ... you know if my door was accidentally installed upside down.

Thankfully my local news is here to rescue me! They are giving out free advice tonight on what to do. Thank God for them, because without them I might end up frostbit or getting my seat stuck to the ... uh .... seat of our community outhouse!

In fact their advice was so smart, I figured I would share it with you while it is still fresh in my mind -

Stay off the road unless you absolutely have to be out! (Four inches of snow are way too much for most cars to handle)

Make sure you have a full tank of gas (Why? They tell us not to go anywhere)

Wear Layers Outdoors (32 degrees is enough to kill you almost instantly if you are used to 70 degree weather on a fairly consistent basis)

Wear hats and gloves (not obvious to most of us ... great advice)

Cover bare skin (see two above comments)

Watch out for polar bears in trees (OK I made that one up)

and lastly wear lighter clothes indoors (I screwed this one up ... I thought protocol was to get buck nekid in the middle of a snow storm if you are indoors! Thank you local news for setting me straight!)

Local news ... I appreciate your cool, calm collective approach to such a scary issue! This is SO much more dangerous than the threatening hurricanes or that tornado we got to experience up close and personal that one time that will remain nameless.

*Disclaimer - I actually have lived in places that got double digit feet in snowfall annually, two of my children are from Siberia, and I have ice in my veins.

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Mark of the Beast

Please read this article and then see below for commentary. This is important people!!!!

U.S. salmonella outbreak count hits 666 people sickened

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – An outbreak of salmonella food poisoning traced to peanut products has sickened 666 people and is continuing despite one of the biggest food recalls in U.S. history, health officials said on Tuesday.

But the outbreak of salmonella is still only linked to nine deaths, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said in a statement.

"To date, 19 clusters of infections in five states have been reported in schools and other institutions, such as long-term care facilities and hospitals. King Nut brand peanut butter was present in all facilities," the CDC said in a statement.

Blah ... Blah ... Blah

___________

OK there is more to this story ... but you know have been armed with knowledge. Do not be deceived. Please note that 666 people have become sick ... so what does this mean to you and me? Connect the dots people!!!


I don't want to be an alarmist, but do you think it is possible that the antichrist has come to us in the form of an adorable cartoon boy? Since childhood, we have all had peanut butter on our face or stuck in our whiskers at some point ... mark of the beast? Food for thought.

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Holy Hairweave Batman!

Wish I could take credit for this, but I can't. This was forwarded to me by one of my groupies ... picture courtesy of someone whom I didn't get permission from:


Woman OK after bullet ends up in her hair weave


KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) -- Other than having a bit of a headache, a Kansas City woman was uninjured after a bullet fired at her ended up tangled in her hair weave. Police said the 20-year-old woman was in a convenience store parking lot late Wednesday when a man flagged her down and told her that her ex-boyfriend still loved her.

She replied, "Well I dont love him," then heard gunshots. She said she looked behind the vehicle and saw her ex-boyfriend firing a handgun at her. She stomped her accelerator and fled, then turned into another parking lot and called police.

She told officers she recently had ended an eight-month relationship with the suspect.

Police arrested the ex-boyfriend and his friend in a car.

______________________________________

I don't know what I can add to this ... the story speaks so clearly for itself. If there is a lesson kids .... I guess it is "Don't piss off Steve, he will put a bullet in your weave"

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Crack Kills

Overheard in their bedroom

Mikey (9 Top Bunk): McWilliam (5 Bottom Bunk) would you please open the door a crack?"

McWilliam: (Pause for effect) "You mean like butt crack?"

I love these guys!

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My Sexy Woman

Today is one of those odd days in a Rockstar's life where I am actually putting away the burp and fart jokes and actually showing emotion about something, which I am not really good at because I always hide behind burp and fart jokes (vicious cycle).

Today marks 13 years since the most incredible woman I ever met made an even more incredible (considering who it was) decision to marry me. It has been a marriage full of adventure, with plenty of examples of both "for better" and "for worse."

Today I just wanted to say thank you honey for living the adventure with me, for believing in me even when you shouldn't, for backing me up when I have needed backing, for loving me even when I can be unloveable, for giving me all of these beautiful children, you are the most amazing person I have ever met. If given the opportunity to make different choices 13 years ago, I would not change a thing. I love you. YOU are my rockstar.

Now back to your regularly scheduled burp and fart jokes.

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New Look Groupie

Well. This has been a very hard road for me to travel ... but as we have moved to a new southern top secret location dripping with grits and southern hospitality ... I have been thinking maybe it is time to change the look of my groupies ...

Now for those of you who do not know, The Rockstars have a tradition of taking groupie pictures when someone steps into our home for the first time. It is our way of saying welcome to our life .... below is a picture of the wall in the old place:


Right now I am trying to figure out if a new "edge" is needed to keep people interested. I had great inspiration. My company does a white elephant gift every year. So one of my co-workers gets this creepy doll with no face that is apparently a "sit in the corner" doll. Not really sure what it is, but it creeped the co-worker out enough that I was able to talk her into giving it to me (Thanks Audrey) ....

So I took the freaky doll with no real face home .... because I was dying to see what the twins would do. LuLu started crying, told me she was scared and that the doll was a "pee-ewww" which is her way of calling something the devil. J-man just pointed with big eyes and screamed like a little lady ....

So what is the fascination with this doll you ask .... none really ... with the doll .... more of a fascination with the doll's wig. I call it my Seth Rogen wig and I am modeling it below .... but before you jump down to my fabulously handsome pics ....

I am throwing up one more poll to the left .... help me decide if I should replace the nerd glasses with the Seth Rogen wig. No job you have could be more important people. Excercise your right to vote!!!

Now for the good stuff .... I give you the Seth Rogen wig ..... you tell me if you can spot the difference between the man and the rockstar


Notice the striking similarities. Now I am not saying everyone can pull the look off ... but I am thinking this wig is just dandy and I am going to HAVE to start snapping friends and family in this fancy do. Still not convinced ... I will give you a couple more to mull over:



This is a tough call .... nerd glasses or Seth Rogen ... choose wisely my friends ... you wouldn't want to make Seth angry

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Camels and Christians

Ya'll know what I love about southern churches? I love that they ALL have those message boards out front ... you know the ones that welcome in babies ... maybe give you a verse ... or lift your spirits with a little saying....

Now the mega churches have their message board in neon ... the really small churchs might be missing a letter or two ... it is always hard to look at Psalms without the silent P ....

But there is one place down the street from us that takes it to a whole new level. It's billboard?

"Both Camels and Christians Release Their Burdens On Their Knees"

???

Now please no explanations about what they are trying to say. I get what they are trying to say ... it is just one of those things I am trying to figure out who decided to say it that way ....

Did someone say "you know it will hit home if you use two nouns that begin with a 'C' ". Did someone say "Ya'll don't use the word pray .... that scares people ... let's use release their burdens instead" .... then the first guy said "Fantastic because my other C word is camels and they release burdens too ...."

It is all too much for me. Then I started thinking ... this church just compared me to this:

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Pidgeon Toed

Man ... I don't know what is going on ... I may never have to write anything of substance ever again. Especially with pictures like this:



In case your eyesight is a little fuzzy, let me set the scene for you... this bloke was caught by Australian Customs officials with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants as he got off a flight from the Middle East.

If I am those agents, I am grilling this guy relentlessly .... no doubt this was some act of pidgeon terrorism. Seriously ... what makes a guy say to himself ... screw the $50 and the cage, I am bringing my birds strapped to my leg.



In other news .... Australian custom officials given the bird ... twice ... by man of middle eastern descent.

This news story has inspired another poll which you will find on the right hand side of this blog right above the other two official polls involving donuts and vasectomies ... can't make this stuff up

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Monkey Butts

So, I was thinking about what I could write about because time is not something I have as of late ... when all the sudden BAM ... I was looking at this rockin pic. I have that Sir-Mix-A-Lot song rattling around in my head ... you know the one I am talking about ... and I just can not seem to shake this image. So now ... I will proudly scar you all for life

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???

I had to post this. Apparently somebody is posting subliminal messages ... man it just feels to me like the undead is everywhere these days

I see ... undead people ... ahead

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Gobble Gobble

I forgot to put this up a couple months back ... this commerical is AWESOME. Many props to Jennie-O. Can not say I have ever eaten any of their products ... but they make a wicked 30 second masterpiece. For those who have trouble seeing low res images ... the man is aimlessly watering his yard ..... kick back, silence the rock star music, and enjoy this little masterpiece

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