Christmas Chaos
Well Christmas is around the corner ... Unbelievable. Can we wait until December people? Anyways ... this is the first of my many contributions to the Christmas spirit. I can't say that these are all original ... most are not, but just in case you want to add a little extra sizzle to the holiday ... here are some sure fire ways to drive your spouse/significant other insane ....
1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to
bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.
2. Go to the mall with your spouse/significant other and sit on Santa's lap.
Refuse to get off. Start crying ... Confess all.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting,
"Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
5. Chase your spouse/significant other around the room with misletoe ... sing Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" at the top of your lungs.
6. Climb a ladder, outstretch your arms, jump towards the tree, scream "I'm the king of the world".
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how
you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Weep/sob uncontrollably, scream out "I saw you kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night, don't even try to deny it!!" This works even better if you scream it at your husband/boyfriend.
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow. Sing "I feel Pretty" from West Side Story at the top of your lungs.
10. Give your Spouse/Significant Other the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas
song.
11. Build a snow person with your roommate and place a hat on its head.
When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically: "It didn't work!"
12. Get a satchel full of coal, drive with your spouse to the hospital. Declare that even sick people can be naughty. When they plead with you not to hand out coal at a hoptial, yell "Bah Humbug!" and tell him/her "that Tiny Tim is going to get his."
13. Wake up every morning screaming, "Ghost of Christmas Future, please
have mercy on my soul!"
14. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's or
Spouse's friends, "Give it a yank."
15. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel
gets his wings."
16. Stand in front of the mirror in your underwear reciting, "How the
Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over.
17. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
18. Watch your roommate/Spouse when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up,
sing, "He sees you when you're sleeping..."
19. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When
your roommate asks, tell him/her, "I had to let them stay here, there's no
room at the inn."
20. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie.
Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:
'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop: All you get is the snowman's
poop!' Or you could have a picture of a reindeer with cocoa puffs for
reindeer poop for your roommate/Spouse.
21. Lastly ... Put Alvin and The Chipmunk Christmas music on your blog and play it over and over and over :-)
Florida Birds
>> Sunday, November 25, 2007
Well, Thanksgiving was a smashing success. Of course, being a vain Rockstar meant that I had to watch my figure. Listen, if you had twelve pairs of leather pants you had to squeeze yourself into, you would be careful as well! Seriously.
Anyways, we reside in Florida, and I am sure that most people think a turkey is a turkey is a turkey, but that is not true down here. Our birds cook up a little different. That is a fact, and if you don't believe me, I present Exhibit A:
Thanks Kayla
Kindly turn off the music below before watching this fantastic piece of art.
Gobble Gobble
>> Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Well it is that time of year again. Happy Turkey Day to all, and on that note, I will leave you with some food for thought... it is important ladies and gentlemen to know where that feast has been.
Kids, cover your eyes ... you have no business viewing this ...
Heads Up
>> Friday, November 16, 2007
Have any of you ever gone into a church, maybe you were visiting from out of town, on vacation, wanting to just try something new ... only to realize within 10 minutes or so that it definitely was not for you.
After moving to the pizzle as we affectionately call PSL AKA Port Saint Lucie ... we had one of those exciting experiences. The pastor has since been charged with I believe embezzlement of funds to support his "blessings" ... I believe a hummer was one of the things his god (note tiny "g") blessed him mightly with.
Anyways ... he spots us during the new visitor role call and basically sees my 6 kids (at the time) and says something to the effect of "God must really bless you financially" while we are standing up and on some obscure TV channel as well. I mumbled something like "we get by", sat down and was consumed the rest of the service, not by the Holy Spirit, but by what a jack-a this particular pastor was.
If only I had known before I got in my car that morning. If only there was a sign. Then it dawned on me ... there was a sign, and it looked a little something like this:
Disclaimer: The events depicted above are true. The sign, however, is complete silliness. No actual donkeys were harmed in the writing of this blog post.
Read more...
Dragonflies are Stupid
>> Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Seeing as how we live in swampy, sticky South Florida ... we get our fair share of bugs. Plenty of red ants ... enormous mosquitoes ... poisonous spiders ... what I want to talk to you about today groupies is dragonflies. They have to be one of the stupidest things to ever dive-buzz the earth. Every time I go to my garage lately at night ... one of those idiot bugs flies right in and then starts stalking my garage light like it is possessed. It buzzes around the light, it attacks the light, it won't leave the light alone. You know what happens when you leave the light on all night? The stupid dragon fly is dead on your concrete floor with at least one of it's wings fried off the following morning.
In case I am not making myself clear. I h-a-t-e stupid dragonflies.... and of course, this would not be my blog without a picture of a stupid dragonfly
Rock On
Read more...
A Tale of Two Jameses
I hate to see complacency prevail in our lives when it's so directly contrary to the teaching of Christ.
Jimmy Carter
What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
James 2:14-17
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
