Brian is a Rockstar

The one about the TV

2010-10-26T12:08:00.001-07:00

The one about the Vasectomy

2010-10-26T12:06:00.000-07:00

Stinky Cheese

2010-10-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

Toenails

2010-10-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you need to say I love you.

2010-10-26T12:03:00.001-07:00

ROCK on ROCKSTARS

2010-10-26T11:58:00.002-07:00

Hibachi Icecream Man

2010-10-26T11:58:00.001-07:00

My Baby is a Gangsta

2010-02-19T09:06:00.000-08:00

Ok technically she is not completely gangsta as she also has a soft spot for polka, but if you want to see a short clip on why I am afraid to go out in public with my three year old ... please visit my alter ego site.

Rock on with your bad selves.

It's Official

2010-02-18T06:44:00.000-08:00

I better write something of consequence soon, or I might as well give up on my dreams of becoming a literary giant .... What you say? Too late?

You are probably right ... looks like I just gave up on another dream. All things considered, even though I have been away for quite some time ... it could always be worse ... I could be this guy .... caught breaking and entering with a "homemade" mask.

... And In Financial News

2009-10-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

As some of you know when I am not kicking it live on stage ... which right now is never because I have lost my bloggity background ... I am pouring over lots of numbers. I am a glorious rockstar and a glorified bean counter.

So every once in awhile I get an uncomfortable email ... that really is benign in nature... but because other bean counters fail to see the humor I see in some things is absolutely hilarious when you actually think about it.

The email I received went a little something like this:

"You are correct. Jesus does still owe $47.62. I will deduct this from his next payroll."

...

I mean come on!!! Didn't this guy already pay it all? Our sins are forgiven but we are still going to squabble about 47 dollars and 62 cents? How very American of us!

Are you thinking what I am thinking? 'Cause I am thinking that there are going to be some money tables turned over around here!

Coat Store Riot

2009-10-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

I am copying this right off the news site I found it. I love this story. Material greed is not my thing ... and somehow I find this story to be vastly amusing. God forgive me for taking pleasure in others' material pain. Now give me my $500 smackers dangit!!

'Lottery winner' causes riot at Ohio coat store

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Police say an Ohio woman being driven around in a limousine announced at a coat store she'd won the lottery and would pay for everyone's purchases but ended up causing a riot when customers realized it was a hoax. Columbus police Lt. Michael Deakins says the woman announced Tuesday she'd spend $500 on everyone at a Burlington Coat Factory, prompting customers to gather at registers and call relatives.
When police arrived, 500 people filled the store and another 1,000 were outside.
Cashiers rang up sales before discovering the woman had no money. Angry customers grabbed clothes without paying.
The limo driver turned the woman in.
Police say she was arrested on three outstanding warrants but wasn't charged for the coat store chaos pending a mental health evaluation.
A spokeswoman for the Burlington, N.J.-based coat store had no comment.

Chewing Cud

2009-10-06T06:10:00.000-07:00

Our pastor at our church tends to say at least one crazy thing per service that makes me question at least his political correctness if not his sanity. Honestly, it is one of the reasons I love the guy. I also find his sermons challenging on a personal level and in my opinion if I am not leaving church thinking, pondering, praying over what I have just heard, then I am not in the right place.

Anywho, back to the story. So one week he was talking about things that were meaningless to God and mentioned all those women who “paint the barn” in the morning, referring to putting on one’s makeup. Another week it was referring to Twitter a couple times as Tweeter (our church has a large college contingent and they caught on quick to the slip), and the list goes on and on. In fact, Mrs. Rockstar and I eagerly anticipate what he is going to say next.

So here it goes …. Sunday, as we were praying as a congregation, our pastor was praying that (and I am paraphrasing here) we would want to get to know the Word better, that we would look forward to diving into scripture and then … he said it … “that we would chew the cud of scripture.”

I have admitted this before in this space … but I am absolutely a third grader when it comes to this kind of stuff. I am sure that he was trying to make some reference to us turning over scripture, pondering it, and I guess like a cow munching on it to help us digest it … I think. My eyes popped open and my neck sprang back and I looked around at the rest of the congregation. Most of them still had their eyes shut …. Except for a couple guys in the student section … and me.

Hilarious. I wanted to laugh out loud. It was funny to me. The visual of a cow chewing on a Bible to help “digest” its contents was just more than I could stand.

I was able to recover and focus for the rest of the service, but for the past couple days … I cannot get my mind off chewing the cud of scripture. Then something happened today … as I was driving past the dairy farm this morning that I pass when I go a certain way to work … I saw it. I saw what my pastor was referencing. This wasn’t some joke, this was not a laughing matter. Not now brown cow. Behold … for I bring you a beast who has most definitely been chewing the cud of scripture…

Job Security

2009-10-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

Times are tough ... everyone is cutting back. I am in the financial industry ... helping others save for retirement, while blowing every last one of my own chips on chasing children across this great country and beyond with reckless abandon. Sometimes I wish I had more job security than I do ... and then I see something that reminds me that sadly, I am just not qualified for some of those more secure jobs out there.... you know the recession proof jobs like balancing candles on your head while covering your ears with your feet...

Classy

2009-10-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

So ... I happened upon this picture today. My first thought was ... man pinch it back because that toilet ain't right. I mean if Thomas A. Crapper meant for us to work like circus clowns to let one loose .... then dangit he would have invented this already.

After much befuddlement I looked to see what this crazy contraption was and turns out it is some kind of wacky personal driving thing developed by those crazy circus clowns at Honda Motor Company.

Then it happened ... I couldn't stop my brain from going there ... I thought "Hey ... looks like this guy has a motor in the back of his Honda .... " and from that point on Sir-Mix-A-Lot has been rolling through my head like thunder.

So cheers to you Mr Lot, you classy son of a gun, thanks for the memories and that one hit wonder I still can't shake.

Yeah ... and just in case you were wondering ... my baby's got back.

What the?

2009-09-29T19:33:00.000-07:00

You ever had one of those days where you blink and the last time you wrote something on your blogbastic uber fantastic site was over 3 months ago and your whole background of coolness has disappeared?

Yeah ... me neither ... I think it is time to rock it once again. Now ... has anyone seen where I placed my boyish good looks ... I seem to have misplaced that too. Dang.

They DALED it

2009-06-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

He "Daled" it.

They "Daled" it.

"Daled" - Term my children use to refer to the skilled art of cleaning your chicken bones bare, taught to them by our beloved friend Dale.

"Look Dad! I Daled it!!!"

Here Comes The ... uh well anyway

2009-05-08T08:17:00.000-07:00

So I saw on some news site that people were having themed weddings. Here are two I would have paid to attend. In fact I have three children in my house that would have felt like they had died and gone to heaven if they were at the first one. Yes, I have Star Wars fanatics in my house. No, I have no idea how that happened.

Swine Flu Solution

2009-05-04T06:39:00.001-07:00

The man above is Dr Alan Hay, director of the World Influenza Centre. The caption to this photo said he was speaking on the illness formerly known as swine flu (because apparently we are not to call it that anymore as it is offensive to pigs). Now I am not sure what EXACTLY he had to say, but I think it was something along the lines of ... "Whatever you do, do not trim your eyebrows. This will invite the illness (formerly known as swine flu) into your person. It is like inviting a vampire into your house!!"

Man and I thought I was weird. Dr Hay, you are a man of integrity, a man of his word. You keep on Rockin' those eyebrows like no one's bidness. Swine flu ... you have no chance!! Pandemic, Shmamdemic.

Please vote on the new poll to the right of this post, because although Dr Hay may be doing the practical thing to ward off the flu formerly known as swine flu, is it the sexy thing to be doing?

Funny .... But Wrong

2009-05-01T09:20:00.001-07:00

So my homepage on my internet is set to yahoo. As a result, yahoo news is where I go to check out the "hot" gossip on cool things like "Swine Flu" and chicken little/sky falling news stories of the day. On the right hand side of the most popular news stories are most popular pictures. This one ... I admit .... caught my eye, and knowing that we have different hand gestures than the rest of the world made me chuckle ... out loud ... at work. This is wrong, but I feel it is my duty to share.

Children - unless you live in India and rock the vote, this is wrong and you will be dealt with swiftly if you use this gesture in public.

Indian Bollywood film actors Aishwariya Rai Bachchan(L), Amitabh Bachchan (C) and Abhishek Bachchan display their ink-marked fingers after casting their vote at a polling booth in Mumbai for the country's elections.
(AFP/Str)

Treat for my peeps

2009-04-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Posey, I thank you, the Garbage Barge thanks you, Ribone Jankins thanks you

2009-04-17T20:31:00.000-07:00

Dis or Dat

2009-03-13T19:58:00.001-07:00

Some of you might recognize the dude on the left. It is the legendary country musician Garth Brooks. The man had a bunch of hits in the 90's kind of like Michael Jackson in the 80's only he has always been the same skin tone .... anywhoo ... you may not recognize the guy on the right. That is Chris Gaines. Chris Gaines is famous for well.... for Garth Brooks going off the deep end and trying to reinvent himself as something he is not. Cool. Hip. Good Looking.

Now I am actually all of those things, so it made me wonder ... unlike Barf Brooks, could I actually pull off a new look? Could I actually change my whole vibe? ... trade in tatoos and leather pants for something else ...

I know you are all dying to see who I really am ... you know on the inside ... where it really counts.

Who is Brian?

Is he really a Rockstar or is he someone else?

Camp

2009-03-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know if any of you have a time in your past that you look upon with great fondness. Such a fondness that when you die and are lit on fire and become ashes, a place in your past, in time, where you wish you could ship those ashes because you know they would be happy there. I grew up on a camp. My father ran a christian camp from age 2 (my age not his) to 16 and then I continued to work there until I tricked my wife into thinking I was cool.

If I could send my burned up body's remains anywhere in time, I think I would like to send them back to camp, circa anytime between the late 80's and 1993. I think this pic comes from 91 or 92 ...

Yep, that's the rockstar standing on top of something, sticking his butt in the face of the other dude who is giving anyone who looks at this picture the 'ole stinkeye.

There is the kid who I wrestled with and accidentally broke a bone in his foot and then we lied about it (for no real reason) to our elders to not get us in trouble.

The one with the motorcycle from England who thought it would be fun to bungie jump so he tried it for the first time cheap in some contest and ended up on espn representing his country in some extreme sports show (can't make that up)

There is the other kid I ran over with a tractor, and if not for my quick reaction after an awful decision, was one turn of a massive tire from having his head squished like a grape

The guy with the blue hair named "Goo" ('nuff said)

The kid who's sister I scrubbed pots with for what seemed like an eternity in hell everytime a big retreat group rolled into town.

The boy with the red, white, and blue braces who was sailing a boat next to my sailboat that one time I lost my mind and jumped on his mast from my boat mid sail and "turtled" his boat (with the help of a counselor accomplice) ...

My racist guatemalan friend with whom I would always fake fierce racist arguements with until those pesky elders caught us at it, thought we were really both racist, and had to "talk" to us about loving all kinds of people while we literally cried tears of laughter on the inside. I almost drowned from the inside out that day.

Yep. Light me on fire, grind down my bones and ship me back to 92. Then build a fire up by that cross (you know who you are who know what I am saying) throw me on top and watch me burn again.

Now that's living.

Rainbows and Unicorns

2009-03-05T20:56:00.000-08:00

Rainbows and Unicorns is one of, if not my favorite saying. I use it when things happen .... like a kid poops in the car ..."Life is all rainbows and unicorns". In a hideous airbrush/screenprint sort of way the phrase gives me peace.

However, that is not my life these days, and no matter how many times I click my heels together and try to think happy thoughts .... everytime I close my eyes, my rainbows and unicorns turn into this in my head:

And for those of you who are kind enough to be encouragers in life .... no this guy did not make it. No rainbows and unicorn ending for him.

I Am Scared For My Life

2009-03-01T20:05:00.000-08:00

What do you do when you are scared? I am crying like a baby right now. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty, my mouth is dry. What is causing this madness?? Snow. Seriously. Snow.

Now I may seem like a fearless rockstar, but boy does the white stuff scare the jeepers* out of me. Apparently here in the south I am not alone. Other people also fear for their lives. The snow is almost up to the top of my front door ... you know if my door was accidentally installed upside down.

Thankfully my local news is here to rescue me! They are giving out free advice tonight on what to do. Thank God for them, because without them I might end up frostbit or getting my seat stuck to the ... uh .... seat of our community outhouse!

In fact their advice was so smart, I figured I would share it with you while it is still fresh in my mind -

Stay off the road unless you absolutely have to be out! (Four inches of snow are way too much for most cars to handle)

Make sure you have a full tank of gas (Why? They tell us not to go anywhere)

Wear Layers Outdoors (32 degrees is enough to kill you almost instantly if you are used to 70 degree weather on a fairly consistent basis)

Wear hats and gloves (not obvious to most of us ... great advice)

Cover bare skin (see two above comments)

Watch out for polar bears in trees (OK I made that one up)

and lastly wear lighter clothes indoors (I screwed this one up ... I thought protocol was to get buck nekid in the middle of a snow storm if you are indoors! Thank you local news for setting me straight!)

Local news ... I appreciate your cool, calm collective approach to such a scary issue! This is SO much more dangerous than the threatening hurricanes or that tornado we got to experience up close and personal that one time that will remain nameless.

*Disclaimer - I actually have lived in places that got double digit feet in snowfall annually, two of my children are from Siberia, and I have ice in my veins.

Mark of the Beast

2009-02-25T06:13:00.000-08:00

Please read this article and then see below for commentary. This is important people!!!!

U.S. salmonella outbreak count hits 666 people sickened

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – An outbreak of salmonella food poisoning traced to peanut products has sickened 666 people and is continuing despite one of the biggest food recalls in U.S. history, health officials said on Tuesday.

But the outbreak of salmonella is still only linked to nine deaths, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said in a statement.

"To date, 19 clusters of infections in five states have been reported in schools and other institutions, such as long-term care facilities and hospitals. King Nut brand peanut butter was present in all facilities," the CDC said in a statement.

Blah ... Blah ... Blah

___________

OK there is more to this story ... but you know have been armed with knowledge. Do not be deceived. Please note that 666 people have become sick ... so what does this mean to you and me? Connect the dots people!!!

I don't want to be an alarmist, but do you think it is possible that the antichrist has come to us in the form of an adorable cartoon boy? Since childhood, we have all had peanut butter on our face or stuck in our whiskers at some point ... mark of the beast? Food for thought.

Holy Hairweave Batman!

2009-02-23T20:32:00.000-08:00

Wish I could take credit for this, but I can't. This was forwarded to me by one of my groupies ... picture courtesy of someone whom I didn't get permission from:

Woman OK after bullet ends up in her hair weave

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) -- Other than having a bit of a headache, a Kansas City woman was uninjured after a bullet fired at her ended up tangled in her hair weave. Police said the 20-year-old woman was in a convenience store parking lot late Wednesday when a man flagged her down and told her that her ex-boyfriend still loved her.

She replied, "Well I dont love him," then heard gunshots. She said she looked behind the vehicle and saw her ex-boyfriend firing a handgun at her. She stomped her accelerator and fled, then turned into another parking lot and called police.

She told officers she recently had ended an eight-month relationship with the suspect.

Police arrested the ex-boyfriend and his friend in a car.

______________________________________

I don't know what I can add to this ... the story speaks so clearly for itself. If there is a lesson kids .... I guess it is "Don't piss off Steve, he will put a bullet in your weave"

Crack Kills

2009-02-22T04:49:00.001-08:00

Overheard in their bedroom

Mikey (9 Top Bunk): McWilliam (5 Bottom Bunk) would you please open the door a crack?"

McWilliam: (Pause for effect) "You mean like butt crack?"

I love these guys!

My Sexy Woman

2009-02-11T09:49:00.000-08:00

Today is one of those odd days in a Rockstar's life where I am actually putting away the burp and fart jokes and actually showing emotion about something, which I am not really good at because I always hide behind burp and fart jokes (vicious cycle).

Today marks 13 years since the most incredible woman I ever met made an even more incredible (considering who it was) decision to marry me. It has been a marriage full of adventure, with plenty of examples of both "for better" and "for worse."

Today I just wanted to say thank you honey for living the adventure with me, for believing in me even when you shouldn't, for backing me up when I have needed backing, for loving me even when I can be unloveable, for giving me all of these beautiful children, you are the most amazing person I have ever met. If given the opportunity to make different choices 13 years ago, I would not change a thing. I love you. YOU are my rockstar.

Now back to your regularly scheduled burp and fart jokes.

New Look Groupie

2009-02-09T18:12:00.000-08:00

Well. This has been a very hard road for me to travel ... but as we have moved to a new southern top secret location dripping with grits and southern hospitality ... I have been thinking maybe it is time to change the look of my groupies ...

Now for those of you who do not know, The Rockstars have a tradition of taking groupie pictures when someone steps into our home for the first time. It is our way of saying welcome to our life .... below is a picture of the wall in the old place:

Right now I am trying to figure out if a new "edge" is needed to keep people interested. I had great inspiration. My company does a white elephant gift every year. So one of my co-workers gets this creepy doll with no face that is apparently a "sit in the corner" doll. Not really sure what it is, but it creeped the co-worker out enough that I was able to talk her into giving it to me (Thanks Audrey) ....

So I took the freaky doll with no real face home .... because I was dying to see what the twins would do. LuLu started crying, told me she was scared and that the doll was a "pee-ewww" which is her way of calling something the devil. J-man just pointed with big eyes and screamed like a little lady ....

So what is the fascination with this doll you ask .... none really ... with the doll .... more of a fascination with the doll's wig. I call it my Seth Rogen wig and I am modeling it below .... but before you jump down to my fabulously handsome pics ....

I am throwing up one more poll to the left .... help me decide if I should replace the nerd glasses with the Seth Rogen wig. No job you have could be more important people. Excercise your right to vote!!!

Now for the good stuff .... I give you the Seth Rogen wig ..... you tell me if you can spot the difference between the man and the rockstar

Notice the striking similarities. Now I am not saying everyone can pull the look off ... but I am thinking this wig is just dandy and I am going to HAVE to start snapping friends and family in this fancy do. Still not convinced ... I will give you a couple more to mull over:

This is a tough call .... nerd glasses or Seth Rogen ... choose wisely my friends ... you wouldn't want to make Seth angry

Camels and Christians

2009-02-07T20:29:00.001-08:00

Ya'll know what I love about southern churches? I love that they ALL have those message boards out front ... you know the ones that welcome in babies ... maybe give you a verse ... or lift your spirits with a little saying....

Now the mega churches have their message board in neon ... the really small churchs might be missing a letter or two ... it is always hard to look at Psalms without the silent P ....

But there is one place down the street from us that takes it to a whole new level. It's billboard?

"Both Camels and Christians Release Their Burdens On Their Knees"

???

Now please no explanations about what they are trying to say. I get what they are trying to say ... it is just one of those things I am trying to figure out who decided to say it that way ....

Did someone say "you know it will hit home if you use two nouns that begin with a 'C' ". Did someone say "Ya'll don't use the word pray .... that scares people ... let's use release their burdens instead" .... then the first guy said "Fantastic because my other C word is camels and they release burdens too ...."

It is all too much for me. Then I started thinking ... this church just compared me to this:

Pidgeon Toed

2009-02-06T09:05:00.000-08:00

Man ... I don't know what is going on ... I may never have to write anything of substance ever again. Especially with pictures like this:

In case your eyesight is a little fuzzy, let me set the scene for you... this bloke was caught by Australian Customs officials with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants as he got off a flight from the Middle East.

If I am those agents, I am grilling this guy relentlessly .... no doubt this was some act of pidgeon terrorism. Seriously ... what makes a guy say to himself ... screw the $50 and the cage, I am bringing my birds strapped to my leg.

In other news .... Australian custom officials given the bird ... twice ... by man of middle eastern descent.

This news story has inspired another poll which you will find on the right hand side of this blog right above the other two official polls involving donuts and vasectomies ... can't make this stuff up

Monkey Butts

2009-02-05T10:32:00.000-08:00

So, I was thinking about what I could write about because time is not something I have as of late ... when all the sudden BAM ... I was looking at this rockin pic. I have that Sir-Mix-A-Lot song rattling around in my head ... you know the one I am talking about ... and I just can not seem to shake this image. So now ... I will proudly scar you all for life

???

2009-01-29T19:46:00.000-08:00

I had to post this. Apparently somebody is posting subliminal messages ... man it just feels to me like the undead is everywhere these days

I see ... undead people ... ahead

Gobble Gobble

2009-01-27T17:26:00.001-08:00

I forgot to put this up a couple months back ... this commerical is AWESOME. Many props to Jennie-O. Can not say I have ever eaten any of their products ... but they make a wicked 30 second masterpiece. For those who have trouble seeing low res images ... the man is aimlessly watering his yard ..... kick back, silence the rock star music, and enjoy this little masterpiece

The Tunnel

2009-01-25T18:08:00.000-08:00

Life is looking up. The stress has been eating me alive .... the move had me all strung out. When I just logged in today I could not remember my piggity password, which is distressingly very early onset alzheimers of me. Just when I thought I couldn't take it any longer, a light at the end of the tunnel. I am wanted, why just look at the sign in the window. Sorry I have been gone for so long..... but 4 pounds of grits and 20 krispy cremes later and I am a southerner ya'll. Wonder how long before they kick me out of here for being too Jersey. Good bye red ants ... hello .... wait what do you mean they have red ants here too?!?!? Sigh .... well guess I have to go unpack that epipen now after all ya'll.

Peace and Chicken Grease

Bender

2009-01-07T17:48:00.000-08:00

I have been on a terrible bender since the end of the year. Rockstars do that some time. Rockstars with ties to the financial industry suspiciously end up on benders right around this time of the year. I am so stressed, even the tunnels in my dreams no longer have lights at the end of them. I am growing Zombie's fasting beard and been pleading for mercy for weeks. This is the first time I have gone to my own blog or any others for 12 days. In that same time, I have logged onto facebook 4 times, for a total of 7 minutes .... all Rockstars must die ... I am afraid my time is near ... of course I can not be sure because THERE IS NO LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!! Only more scary tunnels.

Guess what ... time for me to go ... this was a blissful 3 minutes ....

Sock Monkeys to All, and To All a Sock Monkey

2008-12-25T17:42:00.000-08:00

The Rockstar household has been very busy today with much family and adopted family passing through. Can not believe this is the last holiday in our current place of residence as the move to a new top secret location is upon us.

I was looking for some kind of picture that would sum up the true meaning of Christmas and in true Rockstar fashion I found this instead:

I do not know if sock monkey nativity is blasphemous or not ... but it did make me smile. So have yourself a very merry Christmas and remember Jesus, not sock monkeys, is the reason for the season. And enjoy my word verification free blog, because as we all know, word verification is definitely not koozzest. BAWV.

Fiscal Year End

2008-12-23T12:29:00.000-08:00

When I am not rocking the free world, I am playing with other people's money. Lots of it. The fiscal year end is coming to a close. I do not know why I am even taking a second to post this instead of slaving away in my (ultra cool rocked out) office. But certain times of year seem to have certain effects on people. Most people are trimming the tree and drinking egg nog and enjoying family at this point in the year ... not me

PS - Because I am against word verification, I can not leave it on this blog no matter how much fun I am having ... so sadly when my last post hits 100+ comments I am turning it off

Word Verification is Whack

2008-12-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

I hate word verification. It is a pain in the can. Seriously. Who invented such an evil thing as this? My lady and I have banners on our bloggies for our society BAWV which stands for Bloggers Against Word Verification. Needless to say ... others are not as enthusiastic about our fringe group, but if you thing word verification is for weenies .... then feel free to grab the banner!

However, because I must always find a way of using evil for good, I have for a brief time turned word verification back on. Why you ask? Because I have been typing in ridiculous words as of late and I always in my warped mind imagine definitions for these "words".

Please join me by leaving me a comment with a definition for the word you are about to type in ... or one you have seen recently ... get creative .... the last time I asked for creativity we ended with 40+ comments. I will kick it off ...

The Lesser of Two Evils?

2008-12-18T06:56:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Treasures

2008-12-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

I wanted to put up a treasure today. The last Tuesday Treasure I did involved Thanksgiving pictures ... since then I have found that a popular theme on one of my posts was something along the lines of how do you afford it all?

I had mentioned that you can still be cheap and have a lovely holiday. Don't believe me? ... I offer you proof from our Thanksgiving day meal:

Where are you going?

2008-12-15T10:37:00.000-08:00

President Hugo Chavez ... 7 Eleven stopped selling Citgo gasoline a little while back and oil is now less than $50 a barrel. What are you going to do next? Looks like you are doing what everyone does after that much excitement ... going to Disney World

Bag It and Tag It

2008-12-13T16:25:00.000-08:00

The assignment:

Take a picture of yourself right NOW!

DON’T change your clothes, DON’T fix your hair… Just take a picture.

Post that picture with NO editing.

Post these instructions with your picture.

Honestly ... I wish they would have let me put on a little makeup at least! I mean a rockstar without makeup is like ... I don't know ... Gene Simmons with a normal tongue ... and dang do I wish I had hair to fix ... Thank God I put a shirt on today .... thanks to Bassackwards and Mrs. Rockstar for this .... gosh what a good lookin dude, eh? How about the other dudes out there .... Michael F, K-Dogg, Zombie ... time to let your hair down and live a little ... GW (not Bush) .. man that was fantastic!!!!! The little missus picture is right on too!

Taking Questions

2008-12-12T07:38:00.000-08:00

I know many of you have questions about what it is like to have a family the size of ours ... The vasectomy post was just one of many I could write that is just so wrong, and yet so spectacularly funny that I could blog for hours on it .... so here is what I am proposing ... start asking questions and we will conduct this post like a question and answer session .... and if you think for a minute I want questions like "how do you have time to mow your lawn" or "do all the kids get quality time with you" you are sadly mistaken. BRING IT.

I am looking forward to some good clean obnoxious fun ... there will be no questions\comments (outside of too much cussing) that I will not let fly here .... you can not and will not offend me. I need some laughs today at my own expense ... so hit me with your best most creative shots ... and if you are lurking out there and have not come out of my blog closet yet ... I encourage you to do it now .... for those of you with big families as well .... please feel free to bring your own hideous experiences to this post as well.

Let the fun begin ... and oh yeah ... new poll question is on the right

Me & My Vasectomy

2008-12-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

Did You Hear The One About The Vasectomy? That man's family was sooo big that even complete strangers were asking him when he was going to get one .. ba dum bah

That guy needs to have a rubber band tied around those things ... I mean come on ... how many could he really want to have? Ba dum bah!

Hey ... Buddy! .... You DO know where those things come from right? Ba dum bah.

Seriously.... This post has been a long time coming. I have not thrown down a rant on this subject yet ... but it is one I need to address. Why? Because somewhere around 7,000 times in the last year and a half or so ... I have been asked when I am going to get my vasectomy. You know ... do my part not to overpopulate the world .... even though there are some European countries so desperate for children that they are giving "incentives". I mean really as a dude ... how many incentives to we really need (ba dum bah).... sorry, back to the story.

Here is the weird part about these questions on my unit.... Over half of my vasectomy inquiries have come from the female persuation ... usually over the age of 45 but younger than 55 .... apparently if you are over 55 it is considered rude to talk about a strange man's piping. However .... a little bit younger than that and apparently it is fair game! I mean I have had women approach me at work, in the food store, when I am with all the kids, once at church, it seems relentless.

My question for the blog faithful is ... what the he11 am I supposed to answer? "Thank you so much for the reminder, I almost missed my appointment!" or "God bless you and your seedless husband this holiday season." Why when you have a big family does everyone think they can crawl all up in your bidness?

Think about it! You gentlemen with 3 children or less, how many times have you been asked if you have tied it off? Now all you over active crazed fathers of 4 or more (you must be crazed to have all those children is another of my favorites) have you ever been asked the question? Bet you have ... some of you more than once. It is an epidemic!

For goodness sakes people ... keep your mouth shut and stop asking about the nut. Join me in rallying the world over to this terrible travesty that I am now stuck in the crosshairs talking about. Pray for my safety as there are those out there who would love to tie one off. These crazies must be stopped. Join me. Email againstvasectomies@yahoo.com. Get Noticed. Spread the word ... and your seed if you still have any!

I found Facebook today

2008-12-07T12:24:00.000-08:00

Ok ... techinically last night. I am overwhelmed by the craziness that is facebook. I .... am .... getting .... sucked ..... in ..

I am going to be one of those dudes who is pasty white and never sees the break of day. Darn you Facebook, Darn You!

My Blog Has Been Hijacked!$@%^

2008-12-04T18:17:00.001-08:00

Holy Crizap ... what the crapizzle is going on around here. Seriously. I went to my comments ... minding my own business and someone comments about how kickin my blog is. I think to myself .... self .... what the smack is she talkin' about. I know I am kickin ... I know I am fresh ... I know I am WAY too into myself, but why did it take her a year and a half to comment on how snappy my blog looks?

Not understanding that my whole world was about to be rocked (ironically) I decided to peek at my bliggity blog and see if something had changed .... WOW. Um .... I thought my blog was sweet. I was wrong. This is sweet.

My blog has been compromised. Someone has stolen the key to my heart .... um I mean blog. And by key, I mean password. How did this happen?

If my blog played the lotto (and if it does shame on it) it just won .... big time! I don't know what the heck is going on around here ... but if you want to judge this book by it's cover ... there is absolutely no reason for me to ever change my password again. Ever.

Blog Gremlins .... YOU ROCK!!!!!!!

Nunchuck Skillz

2008-12-03T06:51:00.000-08:00

Napolean Dynamite has NOTHING on this!!

Feel The Burn

2008-11-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

Great thing about Turkey Day in the far south next to so much water is that if you are lucky enough to finish your turkey binge by mid to late afternoon, there is always time to catch a quick paddle in your personal vessel to work off the pain. So that is what I did. I stuffed my face, then I went to go work it off ... don't believe me? I have proof:

Turkey Treasures

2008-11-25T15:48:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Rockstar always uses Tuesday Treasures to catch everyone up through pictures what is going on around the Rockstar household. I decided that I would use my treasured space to share some of my favorite Turkey pics .... From Redneck Thanksgiving to Big Bird on a plate, I hope you treasure these beloved pictures I have taken the time to gather.

Hard Times

2008-11-22T16:46:00.000-08:00

These are hard times. Nothing comes easy anymore. Car dealerships can not move inventory, retail stores are suffering, and even grocers are not doing well anymore. In fact grocers everywhere have had to start cutting prices just to move merchandise. Is it fair? No. But unfortunately hard choices must be made.

Father of the Year

2008-11-21T11:12:00.000-08:00

Thank you to the thousands of you who almost but not quite voted on my Father of the Year poll (Upper Right Bliggity Bloggity Corner). Thanks more to the other 10 of you who actually did vote. The results, frankly, are stunning. I have no idea where to begin.

In this day and age of hype and propaganda, I totally am able to extrapolate this data from the 10 responders and thousands of onlookers and apply it to the country as a whole, like the people who say eating chocolate is good for your health. Some of you (20%) might say that this is a strech, others (10%) can not believe that you yourself are completely irrelevant, but most of you (70%) are money in the bank on this one people. I am now declaring myself Father of the United States. Thank you good citizens, your vote counts!

Some would say that honor belongs to George Washington, Ben Franklin, or some other dirty wigged individual from the 1700's, but frankly (maybe even benfrankly) a new age is dawning. One where those with slight of hand and even slighter brain can ascend to the pinnacle of this great nation, grab bullwinke by the horns and say, "Yes I am great", "Yes I am fabulously good looking", and "Yes Virginia, I am a narcissist!"

With this meteoric rise of fortune comes great responsibility, and thankfully I understand that. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. I will respond with greatness.

*Margin of error is 30.98% The Rockstar is actually a moron and incapable, among other things, of leading a horse to water

Election Enlightenment

2008-11-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

I am still not over this election nonsense (at least in my opinion nonsense). I have been fascinated how many people voted for the Democratic ticket, that when asked, can not form a logical opinion based on actual issues as to why they voted that direction. In fact, I have been so confused at the lack of logical decision making (I know some of you voted that direction logically, and those who did, good for you) that I was beginning to think that the democratic process was broken ... but then I found it. I realize now why so many people I respect voted democrat. I no longer have to question why they did it as I am now quite certain that these people were voting logically. They were not just singing their heart song. They were voting life or death ... I just didn't get it until now:

Socks

2008-11-19T10:08:00.000-08:00

File this post under big family struggles.

I have three beautiful children who play soccer like they are on a mission. Technically I have 9 beautiful children, but I am only talking about the soccer ones (just in case they are paying attention I do not want non soccer players to consider themselves unbeautiful). Anywhoo, these three amigos have practice on Monday and Wednesday and games on Saturday. I breathe soccer 42.86% of the week.

The rest of my week consists of rockin out (from 9 to 5) and being their personal shuttle service (complete with passenger van) the rest of the time. So where am I going with this post about work and my sweet innocent cherubs?

I will tell you where. Those turds have been stealing my black business socks when they can not find their soccer socks, or said soccer socks are stanky and in need of a washin'. I went looking for socks today that did not fall around my ankles (due to the stretch they have endured from shin guards) and had to settle for navy blue socks. While they do not match my black pants, they will have to do because those three knuckleheads have made it impossible for anyone other than a rhinoceros to wear my socks.

Aren't they the sweetest things?

I've got nothing

2008-11-17T10:11:00.000-08:00

Seriously, that is all I've got folks. Nothing. No writer's cramp, just nothing to say. Troubled times when I stop talking (or writing)

I am guessing I am not going to get much comment on this as it is hard to comment on nothing. Sometimes it is hard to comment on something, let alone nothing.

What a waste of Blogspot's\Google's storage capacity. Thankfully nothing does not come with pictures, so they will be thankful that I uploaded nothing to their server to go along with posting about nothing.

The fantastic thing about having nothing, at least in my opinion is that by having nothing, I have managed to blog about something. Not much, but something ... which is terribly disheartening to me because now my post entitled "I've got nothing" is now about something and that just doesn't make any sense at all.

Urination - Not Cool !@*&

2008-11-06T07:38:00.000-08:00

So today one of my fears was realized. My third youngest groupie has been potty training as of late. We have a small downstairs half bath where we have put his dopey little toilet. The best way to describe it is as follows: It is a little plastic thing with a round bowl in the middle that you take out of the potty after business time and proceed to dump into the real porcelain king right next to it. File this info away for later in the post.

My old boss in the greater northeast used to cover socks in coyote urine and hang them around the yard to keep deer out. Did it work? I have no idea ... but what I do know is coyote urine is awfully stanky. Slip and fall into one of those socks face first and you are going to be praying to Jesus that the rapture comes now so that buring urine smell will no longer plague you. The wind blew just right, you could kill people with coyote urine. Stuff was no joke!

Why do I bring this up? Because J-Dilly is a coyote. I swear it. For some unknown reason, ever since we adopted him ... he holds his pee for hours ... I am talking pizzizle at 6AM, pizzazle at 6PM and that is it. No matter how much he drinks. I am convinced that this bladder back up is turning his coyote urine ranky and stanky. So this morning, J-Man did his business and then came out all proud of himself for fulfilling his coyote destiny.

I then proceed a few minutes later into the same bathroom for a business meeting of my own. I got skivies to about half mast when I realized that I had forgotten to pull the center thingy out of the little toilet and file the boy's business into the big boy toilet. Not wanting to smell urine during my whole business meeting, I decided that I should dump and flush first before opening the meeting.

So I picked up the little circle thing from J-Man's pot of coyote love and went to dump it in the big boy pot, but tripped over my half mast skivies, dropped the pot which bounced off the back of the toilet, then the sink next to the toilet, then the toilet seat, and finally coming to rest on the floor. During each bounce, I was gently sprayed with the aroma of coyote urine. Images of walking through Macy's while people spray stuff at and on me began to fill my head as I basked in coyote urine.

I cleaned up J-Dilly's business, conducted my own business, and now can not wait for dusk to fall so I can go run through the jungle that is the deep south (there is no forest) and scare the jeepers out of all the deer I meet.

Pluck Me

2008-11-05T19:33:00.000-08:00

The actual story of me being plucked and shoved naked into this plastic bag can be found here

I encourage you to leave some love on this blog as this kind of cruelty can not be accepted.

y=mx+b

2008-11-03T20:16:00.000-08:00

So the other day my eldest son called me out for basically being stupid. So I asked him a simple 9 year old question, "In the equation y=mx +b, what is the slope?" This was my childish way of retaliating.... make my son feel inferior to my massive rockstar intellect. When he gave me his blank stare I went in for the kill. "Hey #1 Son, how do we know where we are starting on the X axis?"

That is when it happened.... My son said to me "What is an a$$ kicks?" Apparently axis is a hard word to say. Like a proper father I then asked him to repeat the word ... which he did.

I then told him that an a$$ kicks is what he was about to get if he didn't stop picking on me.

Who said math is not fun? Go ahead ... I know you are thinking it .... Father of the Year

In fact, now that Michael has mentioned it, there is now a poll on the right hand side of my blog. Have at it!

Prosperity Gospel

2008-10-31T19:15:00.000-07:00

What does a guy have to do to get a little health and a little wealth for goodness sakes. Don't get me wrong, I am not patronizing the really sick or the really poor among us. I don't believe that I am worse off than some child starving in Africa (that is why we adopt them) I am just saying ... in the most simplistic form ... why can I not just get stuff for being a good little boy? Why not ... it is in The Book if you overlook a bunch of other passages and take everything out of context...

I go to church every Sunday. I have adopted 3 almost 4 children. I brush my teeth at least once a week. I wear deodorant. I mean come on already ... does this not qualify me for some kind of good will? Is there not a poster in heaven about how fabulous I am already? I am a gorgeous rockstar for heavens sake!!

I mean come on Tink, can you not sprinkle just a little bit of faith and trust and prosperity dust on my family right about now? The mortgage rots, my lady has got a sore throat, the kids are about to all have cavities ... I am running in the hampster wheel of death every day ....

What exactly does a guy have to do to get a little bit of health and wealth !?!?!?

Public Service Announcement

2008-10-31T08:30:00.000-07:00

It is that time of year again. Please make sure you know what time it is.

McWilliam & The Ladies

2008-10-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

You know, I have gone off before about how boys are from another planet .... but it really is true. I am trying to understand my 5 year old.

The other day our good friends who have many children like us were over at our house. This family also happens to be top heavy with ladies just like our family. Anyways, we were sitting around talking about things and I made a complimentary comment to my friend about his oldest ... I don't even know exactly what I said, but it was something like .... "K" is so witty or something like that ... and without missing a beat McWillian chimes in "and she is the prettiest."

Stunned silence. Did my 5 year old really make a pass at a 16 year old. Did he understand that her father is much bigger than his dad? I don't know what it is with that kid, but he is always pulling that nonsense. He actually pretended to be stuck in a tree so my brother-in-law's girlfriend would rescue him ...

He is still young so this kind of behavior is considered cute, not yet obnoxious ... but I really am getting concerned for him because lately I have found him hitting on just about anything

When Red Ants Attack

2008-10-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a lot of embarrassing stories on other blogs as of late. I have been trying to think about where I should start because I am convinced I have more embarrassing moments in my life than most other people.

Most of my embarrassing moments are school related. I once ended up naked in my English class (long story), a math teacher of mine actually erased a blackboard with my head, I was pulled out of another class by my ears by one of my less-than-thrilled-with-me teachers, and I faked a seizure in government class that was so well done, that my student teacher did not show back up at work for a week (it was april fools and her jokes were dumb is how I explained it to the principal).

I can explore many of these and other idiot moments of my youth, but the event I really wanted to delve into today happened in my not so distant past.

Around two and a half years ago, after recently moving to our current top secret location, my kindergartner (at the time) had a girl she just raved about that she had met and enjoyed playing with. A couple weeks later, Mrs. Rockstar and I bumped into a couple we enjoyed speaking with only to find that they happened to be the parents of said little girl. Coincidence? Or master plan? Not really sure, but what I do know is we decided to meet at a local park over the weekend to let their girls and our kids play.

We showed up as planned and were having a good afternoon getting to know our friends and watching our kids all have good wholesome fun together. Then it happened. Red ants attacked. Or maybe they were fire ants ... I am not really sure what the difference is, other than they are both aggressive breeds. Anyways I got bit once ... on the foot.

Now, I had been bitten by ants before... many times. Honestly ... I sat on a red ant pile when I was younger ... you know that phrase "It is like you have ants in your pants"? I can honestly say that phrase is crap unless your child comes screaming bloody murder across the park holding their junk while trying to strip buck naked swatting at their rear with their other hand. That is what "ants in the pants" is really like, but I digress.

So back to the story. Apparently this stupid 6 legged (or is it eight?) creature hit a vein or something and before you knew it I felt pretty weird ... I began itching all over my foot, so I went and put my feet in the river thinking "That was a rather severe ant bite."

Next thing you know I start itching around my neck ... then under my arms. My eyes started feeling squinty. I stumbled across the park like a grizzly bear roaring, screaming to anyone within shouting distance pleading for allergy medicine if they had any. Honestly I had never had an attack in my life ... all I could remember was the movie Hitch where Will Smith blows up like a puffer fish, and I felt like that is what was happening to me ... That was the last logical thought of the afternoon for me.

As luck would have it, some terrified mother threw 4 children chewable Benedryl at me. By this point every part of me that had a little moisture was itching FIERCELY. In fact, I had one part itching so fiercely that as I left the woman and her easily accessible drugs in the dust, chewing the Benedryl she gave me in fear, I knew where I had to go next.

I started swearing ... I mean stumbling towards the bathroom at the park. Why? Because that spot that itched so bad was not one I wanted to itch in public. I flung the door open to the park bathroom and began itching my downstairs area ferociously, convinced that I was going to die in a park bathroom with my body falling limp in a urinal or something ... at that point my eyes started swelling shut and I looked in the mirror and I was so red, I do not have a good picture to show you that comes even close to how red I was except for this one:

Not wanting to die in a urinal I made one last gasp and struggled out of the bathroom and over to a small park "office". Still itching, but now in pubic .. I mean public, and looking like a lobster I burst in asking someone, anyone to save me. Somewhere in my own induced melee I lost my glasses ... never to be recovered and was now more frantic then ever!

From that point until the men in suits came to pick me up I am not sure what all happened.

As they were loading me into the ambulance with my 7 (at the time) children crying all around me, I noticed that our new friends were also standing beside the ambulance. As the technicians were loading me in looking like a lobster swollen from head to foot and slurring words, I blurted out something like "This has been really lovely, we should do this again sometime."

That ladies and gentlemen was my introduction to anaphylactic shock ... which if you are unfamiliar is as scary as it sounds. I now carry a needle that I can jab into my leg on a moment's notice for my own protection and Mrs. Rockstar can tell you what I was like after they shot me full of steroids to help me breathe.

The moral of the story is this ... if you have kids that like to do things like lick jelly fish or a husband full of drama like myself .... ALWAYS carry liquid benedryl with you. The technicians who loaded me into the ambulance said the chewables I took were probably the only reason my airway did not fully restrict.

Oh yeah and if you can help it, itch your junk only in the privacy of your own home ..

Actually ......

2008-10-26T18:18:00.000-07:00

Since you have to be a genius apparently to understand my blog ... this is the one I should have rolled with

Just Because

2008-10-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

I had one more bullet left in the gun ... thought I would pull the trigger

And You All Thought I was Stupid

2008-10-24T18:42:00.001-07:00

So I stole this idea from one of my groupies. On his blog there is a readability factor that correlates the level of knowledge one must possess in order to understand the bliggidy blog that one is reading to an actual ranking.

I ran this on my blog and it returned an outcome that you all must stop and think about. Go ahead ... think about it because you obviously are all very smart to relate to me in any manner whatsoever ....

Movie Reviews

Halloween - Good or Evil?

2008-10-23T07:35:00.000-07:00

So Mrs. Zombie had a post up the other day about the goodness or evilness of Halloween. A cowardly anonymous user had assaulted her as a pastor's wife and her ability to celebrate such a pagan day. With all the evil associated with the day, how could she justify dressing up her tribe and begging for candy.

Before I get a lot of anonymous hate mail, I just want to make clear that I am halloween neutral. I neither love it nor hate it. As a big time rockstar, it is a gold mine for me as I always play Dick Clark's rockin' halloween party every year. However when it comes to the holiday I am on the fence. Or should I say I WAS on the fence. Now after some important research on my part, not only am I not against Halloween, but I am now 100% for it.

Lets look at the facts, shall we? I will break this down with some help of wikipedia. For those of you who have already read my comment under Mrs. Zombie's post, sorry for the repetition, but the world has to understand that Halloween should be celebrated and here is why ...

"Hallow" is a word usually used as a verb, meaning "to make holy or sacred, to sanctify or consecrate, to venerate".

"Ween" is an alternative rock group formed in 1984. It is also another word for someone acting like a baby. How many times have you said to your spawn, "Please stop acting like a ween."

So what is Halloween really? It is a day where an alt rocker like myself (Ween definition #1) can celebrate a holy (Hallow definition #1) baby (ween definition #2).

So if Halloween is a day where Rockstars worship a holy baby, then the question has to be asked, "Who is the holiest baby of all times?" That is right ladies and gentlemen ... Baby Jesus

I rest my case. I have no choice. I must celebrate Halloween. Besides if I was unable to celebrate Halloween, then I would never be able to pull this picture out of the archives... I love this picture ... one of my all time favorites:

Sensitivity

2008-10-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

I figured something out today. I drank a peach snapple (the best kind ever although raspberry is also mighty good) and fact #171 under the cap read something like "The most sensitive parts of the body are the mouth and fingerprints".

It dawned on me that is why customer service work is the worst job ever.... not only are you talking on the phone (mouth) half the day with usually irritated people, but the other half of the day you spend furiously typing (fingers) emails in response to those same furious people.

Thank you Snapple because without fact #171 I would not recognize office work to be as dangerous as it apparently is. I think we could all use a little sensitivity training. So tomorrow when that angry son of a gun is calling you ... say nothing and walk away from the keyboard.

Go ahead ... The Rockstar says it's OK!

Scary Hair

2008-10-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

Since we have moved to our super top secret southern location, every year I go through the same depression of missing snow, missing a white Christmas, missing a good fire on a cold night ...

One of the oddest things is watching Christmas movies. Nothing like watching Frosty the Snowman while staring blankly out my window at the palms swaying in the breeze. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? What a claymation classic. I loved that show when I was a kid. As a geek, I always felt some affinity to that elf who wanted to be a dentist. I could not place for the life of me why I had such a kindred connection to Hermey the Elf. Then ... I yearbooked myself and the connection became clear: we shared the same barber back in the 50s

My Family, The Mullet

2008-10-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

Someone in one of my last posts brought up that they would like to see me and my sons in a "mullet." For those of you following along at home who are cluelessly non-aware of what a mullet is, for lack of better terminoligy it is a shorty long ... a shlong if you will. Does that still not register? Maybe you have heard of "The Tennessee Waterfall" or "The Mud Flap" or for all you fans of Hannah Montanna out there .... the "Achy-Breaky-Big Mistakey". Speaking of Achy Breaky, maybe it would just help if I showed you my yearbook picture from 1992:

Now you are getting it ... I can tell (Rockstars are famous for their intuition). The interesting thing about my 1992 mullet is that it has really made me stop and think about the important things in my life. Like ice cream, ho-hos, groupies, a smokin' hot wife and the kiddies ..... and I started realizing something about my family. See, my older children are all girls. From almost 10 to 12, they help us with just about everything around the rockstar household. They roll their eyes at my jokes, do a little laundry, cook a little food, and from time to time lord over the younger children in my house. Three of my youngest happen to be boys. They are loud, obnoxious, mentally unfit to make their own decisions, and that is when it hit me. My family is a mullet!! All business in the front and party in the back baby!!!

That's ... Debatable

2008-10-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if you all saw the debate Wednesday night, but throughout, I kept noticing how hungry John McCain was looking. I think I even heard an audible of his stomach growling.

Because of my keen sense of perception, it then came as no shock to me to hear the next morning that McCain actually stood up after the debate and immediately ripped Obama's suit coat off and ate it.

You might be saying to yourself "No Way" or "Shut up Rockstar you are delusional" ... oh am I? I give you Exhibit A:

And let's step back and be honest with ourselves ... if you can not vote for a man who rips off his opponent's suit jacket and devours it, there is really no one that you can vote for!

Playing with matches for fun

2008-10-13T20:34:00.001-07:00

Someone wise once said to me "Rockstar (that is how everyone addresses me) without technology I guess you would be playing with matches for fun." Well thank God for technology, because without it I would be burnt at least to my elbows. Why? Because everyone knows gas goes good with matches (Ice Cube rapped about it ... but I digress) ...

So let's all be thankful for technology .... oh yeah and most important, the ability to yearbook oneself. Props to the Undead and Mrs. Rockstar for turning me on to this unique concept. Now I will proudly present 1998:

And if 98 isn't doing it for you may I present the year of my birth. 1975. You are so jealous ... I know you all are.

There will be more in good time. But these are so fantastic ... it needs to stand alone for a couple days

MY Boy

2008-10-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of heated arguements in the Rockstar household from time to time. I have mentioned before in this space that being a rockstar tends to make me a little more narcissistic than most, so some of these arguements end up being about how fabulously good looking I am and how fabulously good looking my spawn is. Of course Mrs. Rockstar is a smokin' hottie as well, so it is very difficult to figure out whom our spawn most resembles. As of today ... this is no longer an arguement. Thanks to technological advances way beyond my fabulously good looking pea brain I give you the following proof:

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Family search - Geneology

Technical Difficulties

2008-10-08T12:16:00.000-07:00

You all knew I was big time .... but apparently my handler couldn't figure out the difference between a Rolling Stone cover shoot and this:

I have to say though, I am lookin' mighty fine. Actually click the picture and you will see the hero that lurks inside!

Mad Cow Disease

2008-10-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life imitates art, sometimes life is funnier than art. I give you this picture and caption from the ap:

This undated mug shot released by the Middletown, Ohio, police department shows Michelle Allen, 32. Allen was arrested Sept. 27, 2008 after she allegedly impeded traffic, urinated on a neighbor's porch and chased children while wearing a cow suit, according to a Middletown police report.
(AP Photo/Middletown Ohio Police department via Dayton Daily News)

Inspiration

2008-10-03T09:51:00.000-07:00

All,

It has been asked many times over the course of my career what my inspiration was. How do I create that unique sound that me and the mates are known for. You have to go back to the 80's to truly understand where we as a band actually formed our roots.

We cut our teeth as a band listening to this music, and I thought I would put it out there for all my groupies. Because it is important to understand where we come from. It will give you a better idea of conceptually where we are trying to go.

So, buckle up, kill my music at the bottom of the blogity blog, and get ready for some loud monster rock about to rain down on you!!!!!!

Damaged Swimmers

2008-09-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

So, Mrs. Rockstar wrote a post that began with me getting the "big v". To a testosterone charged Rockstar, that is just unthinkable. Frankly I am shriveling up with fear even as I speak about it. I have cotton mouth and honestly just wiped a little sweat from my brow.

However, this cruel post did get me thinking about a funny story I heard from a friend of the family. Of course names and situations have been altered to protect the victims among us, but I will now frame the story for you. A good friend of ours was getting checked for shortness of breath. This friend has had heart issues in the past, so the shortness of breath was fairly concerning. Concerning enough that this friend "Bob" ended up having to get a stress test.

For those of you who are unstressed, a stress test involves jumping up on a treadmill and running until you almost kill yourself in order to make sure that you are not killing yourself. Without further introduction, here is what happened after Bob's successful stress test in his words:

"So, on the way down the hospital elevator I was feeling pretty good about hearing [the nurse] say I had done better than they expected. While in the elevator, my cell phone in my pants pocket rang and I took it out to see who was calling. I passed on taking the call with others in the elevator, and I did not think it was permitted in the hospital, anyway. As I put the phone back in my pants pocket, the doctor standing next to me smiled and said: " I just read this morning that men who carry their cell phone in their front pants pocket are prone to have damaged semen." So there you have it. I was just trying to feel better about my cardiac numbers, and now I have damaged semen. Some days it is hard to get ahead."

Goodbye Mets, Goodbye

2008-09-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

Today my beloved New York Mets let out a stank so bad, it could only be passed by my two year old's diapers. Today they closed their season in losing fashion. Ladies and gentlemen, today I am thinking about finding a new team to root for. I have rooted for no other team since 1986, when I was an eleven year ballplayer on the Mets Little League team. That year they won it all. I was sucked up into their world and now they have violently chewed me up and spit me out.

I need a hug.

Boys

2008-09-23T20:27:00.000-07:00

I think I am going to blog about more kid related things going on in my life. Specifically as of today, boy related things. You know, I always tell people (when they are crazy enough to seek me of all people out on child rearing advice) the girls in your life are going to mentally drain you. They are going to take you to task and let you know when your opinion is not wanted or not correct. Boys on the other hand usually come mental headache free, but man do we have absolutely no common sense.

I was speaking to my ac repairman about this, and he mentioned that he jumped out his second floor window because there was snow covering the driveway below and he thought it would break his fall. My brother-in-law decided to take his two story leap from a beachhouse ... probably thought the sand would break his fall. My second floor jump came not intentionally, but rather because I thought I could climb a ladder balanced on one side only, with the footing nowhere close to level. I would have had better luck proping it against the side of a mountain. Stupid.

McWilliam (of nude swimming fame) had a bloody toe .... why? Because he wore flip flops instead of sneakers outside to play soccer ... not smart. Mikey? He taunted his sister in the car. How did that end up for him? I think she shot laser beams out of her eyes at him right before she dropped a right hook on him. Did I mention that his favorite to taunt happens to be the one with the big time temper? Not a wise choice.

Both McWilliam and Mikey have touched Man of War, paralyzing their hands for some time. One of them rubbed the juice from a poisonous toad in his eyes and went blind for over an hour. Good times.

When it comes to common sense however, no one can touch son #3 in my house. J-man I am positive is trying to set some record for cluelessness. He does it with such effortless ease, I find myself impressed at his inability to get over his mental mistakes instead chosing the path that leads to destruction, repeating mistakes over and over again. How many reminders does this boy need not to keep pushing all his food off the edge of his high chair. Why must he stick his fingers in light sockets over and over? Why does he drool just to irritate me? You can not jump off a bed to Daddy when both of his hands are full.

Boys are amazing creatures .... and for all my female readers out there ... I will let you in on a little hint ... I am realistic. You are the smarter sex. I am one dude not afraid to admit it. Although I am also one dude not afraid to cry at "The Notebook" or wear pink ... So I guess I am not much of a dude after all. I better go blow something up now to reclaim my manhood.

Just Say No

2008-09-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to put this up for some time. This video kills me everytime I see it. Maybe it is because it is simple and I am a simpleton. That is probably it. Anyways enjoy, and if you are coming over from Mrs. Rockstar's site ... she was initially directing you to the post below this one although between you and me ... they are both fantastic. I would know because I am totally into myself

Rock On

Swimming In The Nude

2008-09-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

I have decided that politics, like a stinky shoe, will start to make my blog smell if I do not discuss other items. So I would like to discuss the genius that is my boy, McWilliam. McWilliam definitely comes from the deep end of the Rockstar gene pool. He is everything I hope he can be and more. He is the ying to my yang, the poop to my joke, the wind beneath my wings.

I am particularly proud that recently my son decided to get a little more serious about his faith. He decided to fast. Now I could tell you that he decided to do this in order to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal his true spiritual condition, or that he was excited about transforming his prayer life into a more personal experience or that he wanted to gain a deeper understanding and experience a closeness with God like he has never experienced.

The fact of the matter is this. McWilliam declared that he would be fasting because his older sister Rosie was. Now Rosie was fasting for all of the right reasons and actually happened to be fasting something close to my heart (so close it is clogging it), CANDY. Rose was so diligent that 15 days in and she had not broken her fast in the slightest.

Sitting around the dining room table McWilliam became emboldened. Wanting to make a splash, and understanding that giving up candy would be to painful, he decided to boldly go where no faster has gone before him. He decided once and for all that there was something he was willing to give up to further humanity and I quote "The next time we go to the pool or go swimming somewhere, I am going to fast my bathing suit".

I tried to explain to him that showing up at the community pool buck naked was probably not the best of ideas but that I admired his gusto. I tried to explain that a more sensible choice might be to go "smokeless" as we like to call it at church for a month or maybe moon the neighbors every night at 7:30 ... you know something a little less dramatic than showing up at the community pool, announcing to all that you are a follower of Jesus Christ and then dropping your swim pants.

My Son. My Hero.

Somethings Need Not Be Said

2008-09-09T11:29:00.001-07:00

Every once in a while a picture is worth a thousand words. What 1,000 words come to mind actually depends on what your personal beliefs and positions are, but man is the fact that this even out there is ridiculous ... that in fact is my first of 1,000 words ... "ridiculous".... the next nine words are "my childhood he-man action figure has the same legs".

Equal Opportunity

2008-09-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

Wow ... all that live bloggin' was affecting my noggin' last night. I can barely keep up with it all. After blogging live about the right, I noticed that the left has some issues too. Seems like everybody views Obama in one of three ways.

I am a rockstar, not a political commentator, so I will leave you to decide which of these three choices best represents your feelings. I stole all these pictures from I don't even know where, so I can not take credit, but I sure wish I could. Without any more commentary ... here are your choices

Option A

Option B

Option C

Personally ... and I know you care what I think ... I am the envy of millions, when I think democrat ... the following image is what pops into my mind:

LIVE! From the Republican Convention

2008-09-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here next to Katie Couric exchanging recipies and listening partially to what is going on at the republican convention. I am going to blog live for you ...

9 something: Rudy says Obama is stinky and inept
9 almost 10 something: Rudy still calling Obama names
10 something: Sarah calls Obama a ninny
11:03 Sarah says something about Obama stinking, Katie shares deviled egg recipe
11:05 Sarah mentions fear, pain, squalor
11:06ish McCain is honorable, wise ... God and evil mentioned ... separately of course
11:08 Sarah releases the Republican clowns from the special vehicle. WOW ... at least 20 clowns pile out of a yugo
11:10 McCain restores order ... video pan of weird woman dressed in elephant garb
11:12 Liberal media begins weeping, gnashing teeth
11:14 Terrified and exhausted ... I am feeling the need to go to bed. This live blogging stuff is tough ... especially those 3 entries between 9 and 11 ... my hand is cramping

Seriously

2008-09-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

I mean .. to be honest I can see the humor in a lot of things ... but seriously ... any of you been out to the hurricane center lately? This is ridiculous. As a super hip rockstar I do not want to give out my top secret location ... but let's just say I am in the hurricane beltway. Why do I live here again?

Kids ROCK too

2008-08-31T14:07:00.001-07:00

Homeschool Homies

2008-08-31T13:47:00.000-07:00

Who knew homeschooling was so hard core??

Hops

2008-06-30T08:02:00.000-07:00

It is not easy being a Rockstar. I mean it might look glamourous to you from the outside, but let me assure you, the phrase "the grass is always greener" rings true in my business. Sure it LOOKS like I am having fun, willy-nilly, on top of the world, but have you ever thought of the injustices I have to suffer through? You may be shaking your head, maybe even thinking out loud something like "What injustices?" I am here to tell you it is a miracle I have as many children as I do having to spend so much time in tight leather pants.

You know what else is hard? Finding a ride that matches my personality. I finally found one, but Mrs. Rockstar so rationally explained that it would be hard to find the right kind of carseat for this one. {Sigh} Back to the drawing board, it is not easy being me.

New Wok on the Block (NWOTB)

2008-06-12T06:30:00.000-07:00

Here I am ... ready to deliver content to the masses. Giving you something to "chew" on whenever inspiration strikes.

So the little lady and I were eating some chinese food the other night. In our old hood, we had some smokin' chinese joints. Since moving away from the old stomping grounds two, going on three, years ago we have struggled to find a place that lived up to our chinese food snobery. (We also have sub issues, but that is for a later time)

Tonight ... we found the place. It is close, it is good, and we were thoroughly enjoying our meal .... at least up until the point where I cracked open my fortune cookie ....

Laying a Stinker

2008-06-10T09:08:00.000-07:00

Remember when your favorite band laid an egg? You know what I am talking about, after years of success and glory, they release that what the heck are you thinking album (think U2 Zooropa)?

Well this blogizzle has laid a stinkhizzle as of late. Do to my enormous popularity, I have had little time to muse about much of anything on this 'ole blogity blog. No more. Today it all changes.

If all two of my readers want me to get more personal, peel back the layers of my onion (as Shrek would say), then that is what you are going to get.... one big stinky onion.

Stay tuned for more immature programming

Flaming Cannonball

2008-06-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

I found this news article on CNN and it got me thinking deeply about how I wish my body to exit this world. Please read the article for insight and I will give my "Rockstar Corner" thoughts afterwards:

CINCINNATI, Ohio (AP) -- The man who designed the Pringles potato chip packaging system was so proud of his accomplishment that a portion of his ashes has been buried in one of the iconic cans.

Fredric J. Baur, of Cincinnati, died May 4 at Vitas Hospice in Cincinnati, his family said. He was 89.

Baur's children said they honored his request to bury him in one of the cans by placing part of his cremated remains in a Pringles container in his grave in suburban Springfield Township.

The rest of his remains were placed in an urn buried along with the can, with some placed in another urn and given to a grandson, said Baur's daughter, Linda Baur of Diamondhead, Mississippi.

Baur requested the burial arrangement because he was proud of his design of the Pringles container, a son, Lawrence Baur of Stevensville, Michigan, said Monday.
Baur was an organic chemist and food storage technician who specialized in research and development and quality control for Cincinnati-based Procter & Gamble Co.
Baur filed for a patent for the tubular Pringles container and for the method of packaging the curved, stacked chips in the container in 1966, and it was granted in 1970, P&G archivist Ed Rider said.

Baur retired from P&G in the early 1980s.

Rockstar's Corner:

In thinking long and hard about this gentleman's disposal in a greasy potato chip can, it made me realize that because I am not an inventor, and have actually never created anything of use that this world will value beyond my passing, that all I have really is theatrics to fall back on ... so please note that this post supersedes any ideas I have on my disposal in the past. Recently, I have had a hankerin' to jump out of a plane at high altitudes, free fall a couple thousand feet and pray that unlike the cartoons, my parachute actually contains a parachute and not pots and pans.

However, because I have 8 soon to be 9 maybe 10 children, the Mrs. has pointed out to me that this would be a stupid way to treat my life. I have decided that indeed, this would be better done upon my demise. So here is what I propose....

Upon my death hopefully many, many, many moons from now, I would like to have my body tucked into the fetal position and soaked in gasoline. I would then like to have a plane carry me up over my beloved ocean and drop me out with a time released fuse. This would allow me to achieve a rapidly accelerating human flaming cannonball, one that would astound beachgoers and UFO theorists alike.

Someone .... please .... help .... me ...

Stress Relief

2008-05-30T05:57:00.000-07:00

Dancing is always the best way to relieve unwanted stress. Check this guy out. Can't you just see the stress leaving him with every fantastic move? This is all the new craze. I am learning this dance now.

Thank Goodness

2008-05-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

I have not posted for a long time. I am sure I owe an explanation, but right now all I am thinking about is how America finally nailed it. I not only am admitting to watching parts of the finale, I am also admitting to throwing my hands in the air and letting out a woo-hoo. Rock On.

My Time Has Come

2008-04-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

Well after reading THIS post, and then reading THIS post, I was starting to think that the whole world had gone absolutely mad ... I mean Milli Vanilli? NKOTB? Are you joking me? This is what we have to get excited about as a society? And then it happened. Today is a glorious day for rockstars everywhere. The one I have been waiting for has occured ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened, because according to THIS SPECTACTULAR ARTICLE, STP is back baby .....

The Clink

2008-03-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

OK. As you all know, I seldom post, and most of it is nonsense anyways, but I have really been thinking about something over the past couple days and felt I should share.

So on Good Friday, I found myself in the clink. Actually, it was two, and suprisingly my wife ended up at the big house twice as well. Why? Because we needed our fingers printed. See, we just adopted an almost terrible two year old, and if that wasn't crazy enough, we spent Friday riding from jailhouse to jailhouse looking for someone to take my stupid fingerprints.

The ironic part was, I had my Jersey prints with me, we have been fingered three times in the state of Florida, twice federally and once locally. You might even say I am one of those sick puppies who just loves to have his fingers inked, so that when I walk into Walmart at 3 AM with my finger ink dried and stained, people wonder about me. Not necessarily afraid of me, but definitely hug your children tight kind of nervousness ... but I digress ....

Unfortunately, for us, the state we were adopting from would not accept prints from Jersey, or Florida, or anywhere else ... so there we were, driving around looking for any cop who would be willing to ink us. The second clink we drove up to happened to be the winner. The nice officer took us to the main control room for this jail/police station. I had my newly adopted son with me and I am pretty sure I made a couple stupid jokes about the drunk tanks we passed with the blue phones and metal benches.

Then it happened. I looked up at a board that was filled with names, ages, sex, etc. There were 11 prisoners in this jail this past Friday. Of those 11, 9 were black males, one was a black female, and one was a white male. There was only one name that had a bond amount next to it. Only one person in that block who had an opportunity to leave that day. Who was it? Yep, the white guy.

All the sudden I was overcome with emotion. Of course this adoption was a "good thing." I knew we were making the "right decision." Here I was, in the same city that my little 2 Yr B/M was born in, and in that moment I felt ... like a thief. Yep, a thief who was looking up at a board and understanding that I just stole my baby's future from him.

What future did we steal? This son of mine will NOT be looked at as another big city statistic. He will no longer sleep on the floor. He will get 3 square meals. He will experience love in his life. He will experience joy. He will grow up in a stable environment. There will be no "social status" that will keep him down. If he wants to go to college, I will send him. He will not know what a gang is except for what he reads in books and sees on TV. He will have opportunity after opportunity that other children left behind in his situation will never have. Most importantly he will he will come to know Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior!

And lastly my prayer is that when Satan gets distracted for even a moment, when through his arrogance he believes he has already won, that my son will know how to slip into the enemy's camp, a thief for his God, and steal the very thing that we stole this week... another soul and another blood line for the Kingdom of God.

Directionally Challenged

2008-03-03T09:41:00.001-08:00

As any rockstar knows, it is hard to be in this business and have any real sense of direction. After all, most of the time, my handlers are just shuffling me from one place to another. Sometimes I do not know which way is up. All that being said, I was still shocked to find that hell seems to be pointing to the "left" (Exhibit A below).

On another related note from the "left"

Flippin' Al Gore

2008-02-26T20:24:00.000-08:00

Al Gore has forced me out of my self imposed hibernation. Someone was commenting on this blog about what a fancy such and such he was ... completely overlooking the fact that this amazing man who created the internet also rang up a $29,000+ electric bill alone in 2006. I am sure he is not alone. All of these celebrity whining greenies living in their castles to themselves have to get a grip. They think it is me killing the ice cubes floating in the artic ... I have a 3,000 square foot house in a place that is deathly hot, and there is no energy other than electricity to choose from and it would take me almost 7 years to equal one year from our friend, tree hugger Gore. Dude's carbon footprint makes him look like sasquach compared to any normal human being.

Now you may ask what the heck does this have to do with my blog, it's contents, and it's readership? Honestly ... nothing ... I just got fired up .... oh yeah, this clip below also has nothing to do with anything, but we present it anyways

To My Dearest New Friends

2008-02-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Barb and Adam,

It is so very nice to meet your acquaintance. I am always ecstatic when new buddies come on board the Rockstar train. I was particularly impressed by your comments left recently.

It is with sadness however that I politely decline your services. You seem like such nice people that I was visibly shaken when I had to delete your comments. I so badly wanted this to work out between us all. I must confess however that:

1. I do not have bumps on my unit
2. I do not need a brand new large baby maker
3. I do not need to know what "your" experts recommend.
4. I am comfortable doing what I do without "alternative medicines"
5. I am not sure I even know what a thump stick is.
6. I know all about green tea ... thank you!
7. Yes, it is a buyers market, sadly I am house poor
8. Forget rising gas prices ... make your own .. eat Kashi .. or a Fiber One bar
9. I am so happy that my dream kitchen is obtainable
10. Pyramid schemes work best in Egypt
11. Bill O'Reilly - Stop spamming me, please!
12. Lastly, be warned, I know how to get "Fast Track Lawsuit Funding"

To my public and my fans, I ask that you please submit your favorite spam taglines in the comments section of this post.

Meaningless Drivel

2008-01-17T11:53:00.000-08:00

Alright, I know you have to go back 3 months to find any kind of meaningful post on this blog and for that I sincerely apologize. I really need to snap out of it. However, this will not be that post. As a completely narcissistic rockstar totally in love with my fab hair and stunning good looks, it is almost impossible for me to post serious thoughts on a consistent, or for that matter inconsistent basis.

So, I have never really viewed Florida as the true south, most of the time wanting to believe that I am really only living in New Jersey/New York/Massachusetts south, that is until these rednecks showed up at my back door ....

Dark Chocolate - Public Service Announcement

2008-01-10T07:53:00.000-08:00

It has now been scientifically proven that dark chocolate is generally good for your health. It has heart benefits and I have actually heard that eating some when you feel a cold coming on can be helpful as well. Health benefits, comfort food, fantastic flavor, I could go on and on ...

The reason I am talking about this? I have had too many people either tell me, or confess on their blogs that they have yet to try Dark Chocolate M&Ms.

People ... life is a vapor. None of us are sure how many tomorrows we have. This much I know ... most of you have at least the next half hour or so if you are not currently having chest pains. What should you do with this precious half hour of life in my opinion? Hop in your car/truck/suv, go to the corner grocer and BUY SOME DARK CHOCOLATE M&M's for Pete's sake!!!!!!! You are wasting your life without this wholesome, good for you goodness in your life.

Some of you slower groupies do not even know what you are supposed to be looking for ... so I am putting a picture up.

So please, I implore you, print this out and run to the store ... now ... before you end up like this guy